Finding November Grace

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Hiya! I hope this is okaaa, the less I write the less confident I get lmao. But I still love writing I just have been so busy.

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Christmas is strange when for the last five years it has been spent with Yuen. Yuen was big on Christmas, big on making it magical for Emersyn and it physically hurt waking up this morning and not having him beside me.

Which I fucking know, mental isn't it.

To miss him. With everything he did, it was mental that as Emersyn and I opened presents, as we whispered about father Christmas and as she didn't even bloody mention him, I was hurting.

I was hurting because she wasn't, and I god, of course I don't want her to hurt. But it's strange to me to watch my child forget him, to watch her not even mention her daddy who used to do so much for her over the holidays.

It was devastating and I wasn't sure why.

My therapist told me when I saw him last, that today was going to be hard, that I would find myself missing someone who I normally would never think about positively.

But he explained to me that I must not let it feel like a setback, that I don't need to judge myself for it. Because it makes sense. I had positive memories with Yuen, within all the dark ones, and Christmas was always about Emersyn, who of which we both loved.

So it made sense for me to be feeling so sad.

Holidays are hard anyway.

Obviously, I wasn't sad, I grinned with Em, I laughed with my dad as he opened the door dressed in a freaking eccentric Christmas jumper and I loved on my brother and Shelia when we were both showered in love from them.

But Goodness, I felt like I was missing his presence.

There, that's how to explain it.

I didn't crave for Yuen to be there; I wouldn't be happier if he was beside me. But it felt like a hole. That he was missing from the picture and I felt as if there was room for him next to me. I felt slightly empty today.

I think this is a healthier way to think about it. I don't miss him to the extent I want him back, I miss him because I feel like he is missing.

Does that make sense?

I don't know.

"You okay?" Dylan asks, I had just nipped outside for a second. We were all waiting for Shelia to serve Christmas dinner and my dad and Em were messing around with something my dad had gifted her.

She loved it, it was a drawing set, but it was a game, so she had to try and read what the word was and draw it. And then he would do the same and my daughter was almost hysterically laughing at his drawings, they were purposely bonkers, him grinning and laughing as she was having such a good time.

But I needed to get a second away from all the noise.

"Yeah." I smile and shiver due to the fact I had just nipped outside in nothing other than my long-sleeved dress.

"You haven't seemed yourself today." He says. "Don't take that any sort of way, I just wanted to check you're alright."

"I am okay. I am struggling a little. But I have it all figured out, do you get what I mean?"

Dylan nods and then empathises.

"Like sometimes I'll have a rough day, and I will wanna smoke or drink or something, but I don't, and I know I wont. But it's still a rough day?"