Funny Messy Life - Volume 1

It Boils Down To Pain

A lot of people think the bible is boring, but they're wrong. The bible is chock full of stuff that would be considered PG-13, or even rated R if you filmed it. It can be scary if you read some of the passages, especially the ones about issues that people have had to endure due to either being unlucky, or enslaving the people of Israel and refusing to let them go. One of the things that always struck fear in me was any mention of boils. I always associated that condition with uncleanliness and the Days of Good Ol', but now I know it's common, and not always because of unsanitary practices. I found out the hard way.

It never fails to be a humbling experience when something happens to me that I always thought was reserved for tales of olden times, or people who refuse to type "Amen" and share a Jesus loves you meme on Facebook, but in the recent past, I have had the tumultuous experience of playing the gracious host to a skin boil.

That's right, a skin boil.

And I think I can deliver my message without it having too much of an effect on your lunch. It's just that this is information that might be valuable if you're to avoid having to deal with a boil of your own. I won't go into gory detail about what exactly a skin boil is, but instead I'll allow you the opportunity to look into it for yourself, saving everyone but the sick and curious from a grotesque discovery. Just know that a boil is painful, and depending on where it surfaces, you might wish that someone would crack you over the head with a croquet mallet and put you out of commission for good.

I have now suffered through three of them; the first was in my crotchety places and that was bad enough. In my opinion, there is no gray area when it comes to events that take place in the crotchety places. It's either really good, or really bad. There's no in between. I didn't know what it was, only that something had seemed to burrow under the skin, way too close to sensitive stuff for my comfort. It became hard to walk and eventually, it had to be "taken care of". I'll just say that I have a wonderful wife who must love me more than I could ever know to willingly be the one who "took care of it".

After the first episode, I did a little research and found that I had been the lucky host of a boil, so I knew what to look for in the future in order to stop it before it could get worse. Unfortunately, the second one apparently knew that I was wise to the ways of the boil, and it crept up silently before pouncing onto my back just to the right of my spine. Upon first glances, I took the spot to be nothing more than one of those big ol' zits one will sometimes get on their back. You know what I'm talking about. It's like Mount St. Helens has attached there, and it feels like there's lava flowing directly beneath it till it comes to a head and either you, or someone who can reach it, is able to "take care of it." It's those little numbers that always seem to be right at the spot where your back touches everything when you sit in a chair.

I waited for the slightly uncomfortable, yet tolerable, pimple to head up and go away, but it had other plans. It was only the tip of the iceberg and when I got home from play rehearsal two days later, I noticed that it had become hardened, painful, and very large. It had become a boil. The third one happened to be on my elbow, and while it was equally as gross as the other two, it didn't hurt at all. It mainly just caused children to cower, and dogs to bark at me when I passed.

Why, you may ask, am I even telling people about it? Wouldn't I want to keep something like this private? Do I want to be a disgusting medical oddity on a TV show about medical oddities called Disgusting Medical Oddities?

The answer is simple and, I believe, honorable. I want to be that messenger that lives on in history books and lore, galloping through the internet on my horse of data, shouting, "The boils are coming! The boils are coming!" I want to be remembered as the one who saw through the fog that our bodies glaze us over with when they're about to infect us with infectious infection. And now that I have witnessed the heights my body is willing to go to in order that it might fool me and sneak this abomination onto my back, elbow, and crotchy groinious places, I think it's only fair that I pass along any hypotheses I may have developed as to other devices your body might use on you.

So here's a list of conditions you'll want to watch out for.

The Susan Boyle Boil – So you've settled in for the night and started a lovely flame in the fireplace. All you want to do is sit by the fire under a nice warm blanket and jam to the soothing voice of the one and only Susan Boyle. And why not? She was an over night sensation who would soon find her CDs in thrift stores everywhere. But there is danger here. Because when Susan sings, you become carefree and at ease with everything around you. You loosen your grip on caution, and that's when boils are at their stealthiest. You'll never see it coming. One minute you're belting I Dreamed A Dream with one of Britain's finest voices, the next you have a boil on your neck the size of Big Ben. You may as well draw a clock on there and hang a bell because you're gonna be a very painful spectacle for several days.

The Sir Arthur Ignatius Conan Doyle Boil – Similar to the one above, you may think you have your best, most attentive eye on things as you, via delving headlong into your reading, become the greatest detective the world has ever known. You are living vicariously through Sherlock Holmes and nothing will get past you. The tiniest detail will be scrutinized and thus, always before you. Yet, you are deceived, my friend. You are the victim of diversion. Before you know it, there shall be a hound the size of a St. Bernard in the area of your Baskervilles and there's nothing to do but let it bark at you with every step. It can be tamed, but it ain't fun. Trust me.

The Mohel (pronounced "moyle")Boil – No one is safe from the danger, even those who do Yahweh's work. If you think you're a mentsh and performing a spiritual duty will keep you from having to do a little suffering, you're wrong. Read the book of Job. I think he may have been covered in boils before it was all over with. You feel good about the circumcision you're about to perform, but you realize that this is a super sensitive task. You're dedicated to having all your concentration focused on the foreskin at hand, and that's when it happens. The surgery goes okay, but when you get home you realize you've got tsuris, or serious troubles, on your tuchis. Don't be a putz. Get it seen about before the pain makes you destroy some poor kid's svantz.

The "To The Victor Goes The Spoils" Boils – It would seem that being a winner is ideal. Who doesn't want to come out on top? But I doubt you've ever been hoisting a huge trophy with the number one glued to it and thought, "You know, I'm not really defending myself against boils right now." Welcome to intense sorrow. You should have been on alert. You should have blown the race, or fumbled at the goal line because now you're dealing with an avid fan that goes everywhere you go for a while, and it's a pain in the pigskin. Did you ever hear that the winner takes it all? My friend, you're gonna take it ALL.

Now if after looking at this list, which is nowhere near exhaustive, you've decided that life is too short to go about your day unaware of the potential threat of getting a boil somewhere on your body, then you've taken one step closer to a happy existence and I applaud you.

But if you think it could never happen to you, I can truly say that I'm sorry and I hope that you'll remember me when you realize you've been intruded upon by a ninja boil you never saw coming.

Would you like to hear this story told by me? Copy and paste the URL below into your browser and don't forget to subscribe. It's Free!

https://funnymessylife.libsyn.com/i-had-a-condition-fml-004

This story is number three in the episode.