Protective Shadows (The Protective Series, Book 2)

Chapter Seventeen

I thought talking about Janne with the world would help. Instead, it ripped me apart, all over again. And this time, it hurt like hell.

After the camera panned away from me, I broke down and ran along the endless corridors, shoving myself into the janitor's closet and locking it from the inside, firmly.

I stumbled back against the wall, sliding down the concrete until I was sitting with my knees around my legs, and burst into tears.

He was everything to me, and he was everywhere - Asko, Jarmo, and even in this small, dark space, inside my heart and every breath. The memory felt so surreal and raw, seeing him stumble and fall all over again, on an infinite loop: his brown hair flying back through the air, his arms out, trying to balance himself, and then disappearing over the edge of the timber roof, never to be seen alive again.

I sniffled, drawing a pocket knife from my belt, and held it hovering above my wrist. The pain distracted me from the memory, and helped me make his death somewhat bearable. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

The cold, sharp blade sliced open my wrist. Blood gushed out, trickling in ribbons down my forearm, dripping onto the concrete floor from my elbow. I grabbed the fabric of Izzy's shirt between my teeth and tugged, loosening the knot, and ripped it off, repeating the motion on that wrist.

Pain seared through the numbness, making me feel human again. The pain was my only solution to this insufferable path to madness; to the shattering death of my soul, while I still had it.

When I closed my eyes, I saw Janne, flashing his million dollar smile as the muscles in his face stretched up, revealing his high cheekbones, and his glistening dark brown eyes, showing my reflection in his exquisite, deep pupils.

I inhaled a shaky breath, and sliced my forearms, vertically. Crimson liquid stained my tanned skin maroon, trickling down towards my wrists, bringing bittersweet numbness in their wake. I let my head fall back against the wall and welcomed the darkness, the numbness, with open arms, as long as it took my mind off him.

Or so I thought.

Fists pounded loudly on the wood, making my body jolt upright. Splinters were beginning to crack the door, and through them I saw a familiar, muscular body, throwing his weight against the wood yet again. The door gave a weak creak, causing him to tumble through.

"Jed," Asko breathed, pulling himself into a crouch. His mouse brown hair stood in tufts on top, the sides hanging low by his ears. "Are you alright? Crap, there's so much blood! What the hell did you think you were doing?"

I shifted backwards on my hands and feet, until my back was resting against the wall once more. "Why does it matter? You clearly don't care about me, or whether I live or die."

He sighed irritably, snatching my wrists into his hands. "Cuts?" His tense, concerned grey eyes slid up to my face, blinking in shock a few times. "Self-harming isn't good, and it's not what Janne would have wanted for you. He loved you, he would have wanted you to live life happily and freely, not trying to kill yourself." He paused, never leaving my eyes. "You're wrong, you know. I do care about you, more than you think."

My head was spinning with lightness, my eyelids growing heavy with fatigue. I managed to mumble something unintelligible, before the side of my face hit the ground, and I saw nothing but darkness.

-

"Jed," Janne sighed, avoiding my gaze. "It seems all I've ever done since I've met you is hurt you. I cheated on you, I punched you, and I made you feel like you were merely just some sex toy that I could use to my decree." He paused, swallowing. "I love you. I always have since the moment I met you, I just didn't know how to express my feelings at that time. I was so used to showing people what they mean to me by giving handjobs, or whatever. You changed my mindset, Jed, for a brief time there. You helped me become a better person than I was before. And that's what true love is like; people helping each other become better, helping each other through tough times, and always being there, regardless of what else is going on in their lives.