Thoughts Over The Years

December 2010 :(

December 9, 2010 our divorce was finalized, we are no longer husband and wife. I am truly single and there is no chances of working our marriage out. Not only have I lost our marriage, I am losing my children come this summer after school. He got primary placement of the kids. I feel like I have lost my best friend as well. I want to hate him, but can't bring myself to. I want to shake him and tell him to snap out of whatever this is. I miss everything about him, the way he smells and the way he would hold me and let me snuggle him at night.

It has been two months since the kids came back to live with me, while he is in GA. I promised that we would be in IL for Christmas so that he can spend it with the kids. He is coming back for it. I am excited to see him, but at the same time I am sad for I know its my last Christmas with him and as a family. I can't let myself think that it is anything more than him wanting to see his children. I am just the means of transportation. Nothing in this world is going to prepare me for the let down of what is my last Christmas with the man I love and my children.

I just want to die right now. I feel so drained of energy and life. Why does this have to be so hard? Why does it have to be like this period? What more can I do to show this man that he means the world to me and that I am very sorry for all the stuff that has happened. Staying at the hotel with him and the kids just felt right. I wanted to beg and plead with him to come home, but I couldn't get it to come out of my mouth. He knew how I felt and that I would have done anything to get him to come back, but he had made it perfectly clear that there was no coming back. I was alone except for the kids and it was starting to eat at me everyday.