Loving can hurt

CHAPTER 4

I enter the class and decided to sit at the back alone. Someone gives a speech about college and its place in the city. I am not even one bit interested in it. I start to look outside the window. I was never this closed off person until HIM.

I was in my junior year when I start talking interest in him. He was Max; I use to stare at him in the cafe. We never had a class together as he was in senior year. Maybe he noticed me because one day he approached me. We became friends. We started having lunches and dinners together and he always walk me home. He used to invite me to parties with him but I was never interested in parties. Sitting with drunken people and playing weird games were not my cup of tea. That year, I couldn't go to prom because my mom was sick. I had to take care of her. The night after prom, one of his friends threw a party; I knew he must be there. My mom was feeling well so I decided to give him a little surprise. I put on my new red lacy dress and put an effort in my appearance for him. I went to the party and started looking for him in the crowd. The house was packed, people were drunk and making out. I cringe at the scene and started walking through the ocean of people until I spot him. He was talking to a friend, his back facing me. I took a deep sigh as it was the first time I had ever get ready for someone, I was nervous. I crossed the distance between us and as soon as I was about to touch his shoulder from behind to let him know about my presence, he laughed and said to his friend.

"You know dude, I am just trying to fuck Ella, and it's harder to get in her pants than I thought. You know how girls throw themselves on me but It looks like I have to work a little harder for her.." he laughed again and took a sip from the bottle he was holding. "And then what? I mean after you fuck her?" his friend asked.

"What after? Nothing man...it's not I really like her or something..... c'mon, I am going to college..... I will just dump her and go on my way" he said and hold his bottle up to him" cheers". I was dead in my tracks. His words were like knife, cutting me into billion pieces. I felt the time has stopped and I am unable to breath. Without letting him know, I ran towards the entrance, pushing past the drunken crowd. I tried to hold my tears but I couldn't help them. As soon as I was out of that house, chilly air hit me. I didn't even remember where I had dropped my coat. I started talking deep breathes in the fresh air but it couldn't help the aching pain in my chest. I felt as if my world is trembling apart. I fold my thin arms around my front and started running, in that cold weather, with my knee length dress.

After that day I ignored his messages and calls until the day they stopped coming. I didn't want him to know that I have seen his real face. It took me a whole year to assemble my broken self. He broke me and I glued myself. But maybe, that little glue was all I needed, as it made me stronger inside out. Now, when I look back at that time I don't hate him, I don't have it in me to hate him. He broke me and I learnt the art to collect myself, and make myself even stronger than I was ever before. That incident made me realize what I should really care about? I have learnt self love, if I can't love myself as I am, how will I be able to love anything else. I have learnt to spend my time, obsessing over things that really matters, that could heal my soul and made me a better person. I have spent so much time staring at the night sky and stars, as it has always helped me to see beauty in everything. People maybe cruel to you but nature can't. It teach you self love, teach you to see beauty in every little thing, teach you to love yourself first, teach you to spread love, teach you to become a better person for others.

I used to be a lively person but now I am more of a quite girl, who looks at the bigger picture, analyze everything too much or I should say over-think everything too much.

Finally, the person, who was giving the speech, ends his talk and dismissed us. I got up from my seat and head towards my next class.

It is my last class of the day. In all three classes today, they have given some PowerPoint presentations. I have not enjoyed them at all. So far the college has not been what I thought it to be. Maybe from tomorrow everything will start to become more interesting for me. I really hope so.

At the end of the presentation, someone ask a question. I am sitting at the back as usually. I turn my head, to look at the person talking, when I spot HIM. The guy, whose shirt I am wearing right now, is sitting in my row, a few seats away from me, staring at his phone.

Awkward.

I look at him for a while and instantly turn my head back to the front, to look at the teacher. My heart beat is accelerating. I don't know what is it about him that makes my heart rate. 

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Have a great time reading it.