Chapter 11
I Wish I Knew Her More
"A girl named Lia Rose Viera was found dead in her own house specifically at her own bathtub. The cause of death are overdose and lost of blood due to wrist cut-"
My hands are trembling as I shut the television sa narinig kong balita. I just went upstairs to ignore the news. Two days has passed. Two days na rin akong hindi pumapasok sa eskwelahan nor lumalabas ng bahay. Two days since she committed her suicide.
I can't bear seeing her pictures nor hear her everywhere. Para akong mababaliw. Humiga ako sa kama ko, wrapped myself onto the thick blanket I have and tried to sleep kahit na bawat pikit ko, siya at siya lang ang nakikita ko.
Why?
I didn't notice. No one ever noticed anything. I've heard enough gossips and based on those, they describe her the way I met her. Joyous.
They had no idea why. Why would Rose commit such thing. She's doing well in the school, topnotcher, responsible leader and everything that you will want to see on a girl.
Ideal yet fragile.
How come no one notice her pain? How come me, myself didn't notice anything weird? How come I didn't notice such thing?
I sighed and again, eyes are starting to rain as I think about her every second and every minute. She smiles everytime we're together, she's happy whenever we are together, she laughs, giggles, and even joyous. How come... how come I didn't notice anything? How can I be so ignorant about it?
Her wake is still open up until now. Everyone is grieving for her. Lahat ay nanghihinayang, nagtataka at napapatanong. Why would Rose, the joyous and jolly person, committed suicide at a very young age?
-
I decided to go to school the next day, act normal, live normal yet I can't smile nor appreciate everything beautiful around me. The school changed as well. Tribute for her was established. Gifts and letters are pouring on her locker. Posters regarding suicide and mental health are attached everywhere.
Discussion occured, yet my mind wouldn't digest anything. Wala akong maintindihan. Wala akong maunawaan. Walang pumapasok sa isip ko.
I took my lunch to the rooftop as well. There, I couldn't find peace anymore. Laging may kulang ss takbo ng araw ko. I'm always looking for her presence. There, I cried again.
I miss her.
I opened my umbrella as the rain falls heavily. I placed my earphones, played the usual song that I always listened to.
Just like before, my world suddenly became quiet. Just like before, no one bothers me, no one annoys me in a unique way, no one is following nor suprising me. Just like before, no Rose in my gray coloured life.
Napahinto ako sa harap ng bahay ko, hesitating if will I go home or visit Rose's wake. I sighed. Ang bigat sa dibdib. I went straight, walked heavily tulad ng gabing iyon. Every step reminds me of everything we've been through.
I stopped at the very house of her. The dark and gloomy house. There, you can see her tarpaulin consisting her beautiful angelic face wearing her sweetest smile, her birthdate and deathdate. I can't breathe properly. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam.
"Are you Sebastian?" Lumingon ako sa nagsalita. A woman, around mid 40s, swollen eyes and gloomy face.
"Yes." I answered in a low tone. She then smiled as she stares at me.
"I'm Rose's aunt. Please. Come in." She insisted. There, I saw people, most of them are wearing our uniforms, few of them are the neighbors and rest of the are the relatives.
There... I saw a coffin, white and shining coffin filled with red roses all over. There, I saw her framed picture, smiling. That smile, the usual smiles she wears, genuine and sweet.
Bawat hakbang palapit sa kaniya ay parang hakbang ko noong gabing iyon, pabigat nang pabigat ang dibdib ko. I can't breathe, nor think straight. My eyes are locked onto her picture.
Why Rose?
I stopped, distancing myself from the coffin, enough to see her lying down, sleeping beautifully. Teardrops are starting to fall, one by one yet I remain my posture, staring at her, reminiscing all the memories we had na lalong ikinasasakit ng lagay ko.
Why?
I want to ask her a couple of question why. Why did she commit it? Why didn't I notice those pain behind her sweetest smile? Why?
"You must be shocked just as we are." Her aunt said as I wipe my tears. I inhaled, and breathe properly. We remain quiet for a several minutes, just staring at Rose.
Napalingon ako sa bagong dating na batang lalaki. Around seven years of age, saktuhan ang laki, fair skin, they both have the same eyes and look. He's the kid I saw that very night. The night Rose died.
"This is Rosh Viera, bunsong kapatid ni Lia." Pakilala nito sa bata, the kid can't even barely smile. He just stared at me at sa ate niya bago umalis.
"They both experienced traumatic events, ulilang lubos na silang parehas, from abusive family." Panimula niya na ikinatahimik ko lalo at ikinatitig kay Rose. Traumatic events... abusive family...
Rose.
"Rose's suffered a lot, she's been bullied, and everything. Pero hindi ko alam na hahantong sa ganito dahil alam kong malakas siyang babae." Her voice begins to crack. I didn't know. I don't have even the slightest idea tungkol sa kaniya. She's smiling everytime to the point that I can't see the pain she's been through.
I didn't bother to know her even more.
"She even dreams of being an influencial author, like you. Even dream of being a flight attendant dahil gusto niya libutin ang buong mundo." Bumigat ulit ang dibdib ko sa mga naririnig ko. Tears are building up. I cannot breathe properly again.
I didn't even know her dreams. I didn't even know she wanted to be an author and a flight attendant.
I know nothing.
I stared at Rose's picture. Smiling beautifully despite all the pain she's been through. I stared at her. I wish I bothered to know her more, to know her pain, to help her and comfort her when she needed to. I wish, I wish she's still alive if only I knew her pain.
"I'm sorry."
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