Vents

A real mess.

You ever just sit in the dark and feel bad for no reason. Ha. I love being relatable. Having fun and enjoying yourself is overrated anyway.

Sitting in the dark is better then doing the opposite. You can hide that way and be as self deprecating as you want with little to no distractions. Can feel like shit alone as well.

Ever just want to speak and be heard but are just afraid what might come out if you do? You could say something wrong or make someone mad. You could get help.

But who wants that anyway. Help has this fear of judgement around it. You're weak if you need help. You are weak.

But I'm not weak. I can't be. So many people lean on me for support. They ask me advice and look to me for sarcastic remarks and loads of swear words where it isn't nessisary. I have to be strong to protect them from their demons. If I don't I might loss them. I don't want to be weak.

I thought I was gonna ramble about how shit I'm feeling today for bo reason but I guess that's a lie. There's plenty of lies in that. There's probably plenty of reasons why my mental state is so fucked.

I love it when you want to get to the point but don't know how to just do that. Why is everything so hard. I never wanted it to be this way. But of coarse it just is.

Fuck me am I right? Because I can't just be happy. Why should I be.

God this is such a mess. I think it started being somewhat meaningful but now it's just me typing for the sake of doing so. I should probably just stop and do something productive. Probably someone on my discord wants to talk about something. That's productive right?

6th of September, 2020.