Always Here For You ✔️

04 - Tired

Annika changed into her nightwear and tip-toed downstairs. Her husband was diligently slicing tofu and leafy greens. He looked agitated and perturbed.
Inching closer, she didn't know what to do. 2 months ago, she would have hugged him from behind, and he would have reciprocated by kissing the back of her palms. But, now he wouldn't, and that rejection would only pierce her. She silently sat on the kitchen counter's slab and caught her husband's attention.

He sighed. "Annika, you should rest."

"I don't want to." Shivaay's eyes still screamed defeat and shame, as he keenly looked at her. "What's wrong, Shivaay? Why did you say sorry?"

Shivaay exhaled sharply and went back to making the tofu, beans, and spinach rice noodles. But, Annika wasn't the one to give up, "Is it about me fainting. Shivaay, I didn't have breakfast today. And iron levels may go down at times. Why are you blaming yourself for a fluctuation in my body?"

Is she kidding or what? Her body? His whole life was in her body. If anything happens to her, it is like his soul being skinned alive. Shivaay, trying not to burst, went on sautéing the veggies.

"It is not your fault." Annika softly said, and Shivaay lost it. He threw the wooden spatula harshly and marched towards Annika. His teeth gnashed. "It is my bloody fault, Annika. You are a big foodie, and you didn't eat the desi breakfast made? That is an absurd joke. You didn't eat because of me! You are drowning yourself because of me! We are away from our family because of me! Everyone's suffering because of me!"

"No." Annika kept on saying and tried to touch his face only to have her arms peeled off by him.

"You should leave me, Annika. Just leave this nutcase, and live your life." He whispered.

"What are you saying?" Annika was standing, crying.

"You have ambitions, Annika. You wanted to work, earn good money, and have a happy family life. Go do all of it. With me, you will be stuck here as a housewife. I am just a disappointment, Anni! Just leave me, marry another-"

"Just shut up! Just shut the hell up!" Annika shouted on top of her lungs. "Have you lost it, Shivaay?! Why would you say that?! How easy was it for you to say that?!" Annika clutched his kurta in her fists.

"Annika-"

"Oh, no, Mr. Oberoi, you are listening to me now." Annika was furious and looked all red. "2 months, Shivaay, 2 months. I spent these two months with a hope that one day you will hug me and let me near you. The only thing I have prayed for is my Shivaay to trust me enough with his fears and tears."

This time around, Annika looked defeated. "I am tired, Shivaay. Tired of waiting. Tired of everything. I never felt like this. Not even when you brought that Tanya home as your wife."

Shivaay, who had his head bent down low, looked up at his wife all lost. "At that time, I did have some string to hold on to. Our marriage. Our communication. Our faith in each other. Us. But, now I don't even have that, because you refuse to talk to me. And, yet here I am like a fool holding on to some ghost of a hope to revive everything, revive you. Do you even know how my heart broke when I saw you drunk that day? I was not sad that you felt weak, but I was sad that you decided to go to some bar instead of coming to me."

Pulling him closer to her, she dangerously yet brokenly asked. "We are married for almost three years, and yet you trust alcohol more than me! How should I feel, Shivaay? How should I feel? Didn't you feel betrayed when I left you because of Pinky aunty? That is how betrayed I felt that day, Shivaay." Shivaay shook his head in hurt. No, no. That was not his intention.

"You said that if I am there with you, you can fight any battle? But why is that you keep pushing me away? What do I have to do to get your trust even after 3 years of being together? Do I have to constantly beg you to tell me, talk to me?" She shook him, while he looked on miserably. "ANSWER ME! Answer me!"

Annika fell on the floor, shaking. Shivaay got on his knees to match her level, but she jerked him off and stood up. "Just don't show me your face." She ran upstairs to the bedroom and locked it.

Annika slumped down on the floor and cried as much as possible. How could he even say that? What is even wrong with him?

"Annika, open the door." Shivaay knocked and gave up after a few tries. He also sat down and listened to her cries.

After a good one hour, she calmed down. "Do you remember the days when we used to play chess after work?" She asked, hiccuping lightly.

"Yeah." Shivaay smiled reminiscing those sweet memories. "If I win, you used to make dinner and the other way around when you won."

"While playing it, we would share about whatever happened on that specific day. Whether it be a mean girl from college inviting me for dinner, or Samarjeet Malhotra compelling you to visit Ragini at the asylum—all of it. We used to share everything, or was it just a reverie of mine?" Annika sounded pained and heartbroken.

"No, Anni, don't think like that." Shivaay didn't know how to assure her. His actions screamed otherwise.

Annika chose not to listen and only speak, "Do you not trust me, Shivaay?"

"I do. Annika, don't question my trust or love please." Shivaay couldn't bear the intensity of her questions.

Ignoring him, she said, "I never wanted to be protected by the Great Wall of SSO. I always wanted to stand beside it or in front of it, Shivaay."

His heart swelled with tender warmth listening to her words. She was truly different and just so great.

Then, he heard her say. "You might have been taught or actually taught yourself to hide your tears and maintain a stoic face, Shivaay. But with me, I don't want you to do that. I am your wife, Shivaay. I love your everything, with my everything. I am not Dadi or Tej uncle to conceal your emotions, Shivaay. I don't know what Pinky aunty told you, Shivaay, but a man being vulnerable, being weak and showing it isn't bad. We, woman, can cry, talk things out, visit a psychiatrist, so why can't you?"

In a split second, he saw the door open, and Annika kneeled beside him and cupped his face. "You can cry. You can feel weak and tired, Shivaay. It is okay. You are a human, you can't be strong all the time, and I understand that." Shivaay's tears slowly started falling, and soon he hid his face, sobbing, in her stomach. That was what she wanted. Him to lean on her. His wall to collapse on her sheets of moss and flowers.

"Even if it is the world against you, Shivaay, I am here for you. I always am. You don't have to shy away from me. All you have to do is hug me and talk to me." She whispered into his ears, making him look up. His face was so red. "You can act like a child. You can be a baby with me. You can fail. You can win. You can succeed. You can lose. Your wife, your Annika is always with you and is always proud of you. She will correct you if needed, take a stand for you if needed. She loves all your shades. Everything. The darkness, the light. The anger, the kindness. Every single tint, shade, and hue."

Shivaay was badly crying by now. Her words rendered him powerless yet so powerful. His weak side, failures were bewitching to her. The ugly, murky, nasty side of Shivaay Singh Oberoi was beautiful to her. In these 3 years, he had always won in every situation, and when suddenly lost, he felt ashamed and sad. Janhvi's accusing gazes broke his heart, and it felt like everyone were seeing him with that shame-filled eyes. But who knew that his wife would show him that there's a victory in the loss too. Goddamn it! She is such a strong and inspiring woman.

"Please don't push me away. Please."

"Promise." Shivaay entwined their hands together.

"Pinky promise?" Annika detangled her hand and showed her pinky finger.

"Pinky promise!"

"I love you, Shivaay. I am happy with you. My ambitions may be on hold for a while, because you are my first priority, my baby, my husband, my everything." Annika kissed his forehead, and he snuggled into the crook of her neck.

"I love you too, Annika."

"And remember that I am always here for you..." And Shivaay tightened his hold on Annika and hugged her with his all might. No matter how uncomfortable the position or place was, their warmth provided solace for each other's quivering bodies and hearts.