It Should Have Been Him

Chapter 44

Now

If I caught Katherine a few hours earlier or later, I don't think I could feel the way I do now. But I do. I blink a few times. Did I have to tell her that I made out with her boyfriend last night? Did I have to mention it? Or could I just miraculously forget?

"Wow, I never thought I'd see you again," she says. She puts her coffee down on a table and folds her arms, scanning me. I still can't get used to the hair. It really bothers me when people who are naturally blonde dye their hair brown. Almost every girl in the world wishes for blonde hair, not black or brown. Why would you take something that was naturally given to you and turn it dark?

"Same here," I say quietly.

I want to yell at her,

I want to scream at her until my throat is so raw that I can't even breathe.

But I don't, I try my best to keep my calm,

And it's taking everything in me not to pound my fist into her face.

After all, I ruined her relationship with Bryan and she doesn't even know it.

"What the hell was up with you leaving like that? Not telling anyone, we had a funeral for you. There was a grave, sitting in the cemetery for a year with your name scraped into it, and you didn't bother to tell anyone that you were okay?"

"It didn't matter what I did, or when I went, I needed to get away from here."

"And you didn't think that didn't affect us? I spent countless nights wide awake in my bed, thinking of all the horrible things that Mike did to you. Everyday someone came up with a new way he might have tried to kill you, or a new place they thought Mike had buried your body." She stops and there are tears rolling down her cheeks. Her face is bright red because that's what happens to her when she cries, "you were my best friend. I knew you. I knew that you wouldn't just grab your coat in the middle of the night and leave us, leave everything behind because it wasn't you. I believed that you were dead, I gave up hope for ever finding you again." I look around the coffee shop, glad that there's only 4 people excluding us. "346 days without a word. Why did it take you so long?" I swallow hard. Feeling terrible. A lump grows in my throat.

"You know why I did what I did, my entire world fell apart in front of me, and there was nothing I could do about it." this time she looks at me with devastated eyes.

"But why wouldn't you have told me you were leaving? I was your best friend, if you asked me not to tell people where you were, I would have. All you had to do was talk to me."

"There was a lot I should have done differently.  I shouldn't have listened; I shouldn't have waited on the bench while he opened his locker.   It screwed up my entire life Katherine, I've blamed you guys the most for what happened..." I say, trailing off. My mind goes blank, and I don't know what to say next.

"I know you do, and I'll always have to live with that guilt. Because I screwed up your entire life. I'm sorry," she says. I'm suddenly not mad anymore. I let everything sink in. My dad, my mom, Katherine, Bryan, and I think the pain is going to kill me when I think of him.

When I think of us.

I let my tears run down my cheeks the way they want to, I don't try to wipe them away, or even blink them away.

"I'm sorry too," I croak. Katherine walks over and hugs me tight. For a second we just stand there.

I think about telling her about Bryan, about how I kissed him the night before. She should know that the primary reason she's not with him anymore is because of me. I open my mouth, and then I cut myself off, shutting my mouth tightly.

Some things are better off unknown.