The next morning, I pulled a chair into the circle next to Billy. He moved his chair closer to mine to make room for Martini and smiled over at me.
"I-i-its g-g-going to b-be al-al-alright." He reassured me as everyone else took their places. I nodded and looked down as I wrung my hands. I was tapping my foot as well and I could feel Chadwick's eyes on me as well. I looked over at him and gave him a nervous smile. Chadwick looked over at Harding and then at Taber, who looked over at me. Taber smiled and gave me a thumbs up while Harding just watched me. I focused on my hands again as everyone finished putting their chairs into place. Nurse Ratched came out a second later and took her seat at the head of the circle. I felt Billy's foot slide next to mine and gently tap it to get me to stop tapping. The tapping slowed down but didn't stop. I made eye contact with him and shook my head.
"It's not going to stop Billy." I whispered. He nodded and put his foot on top of mine, pining it down so the tapping would stop. I let out a breathy laugh as Billy smiled at me.
"Th-th-there." He whispered back. "I-it st-st-stopped." I shook my head and continued wringing my hands. "Y-y-you'll b-be f-f-fine."
"Last session we ended with Mr. Harding talking about his wife." Nurse Ratched started the meeting, commanding the attention of the circle. "Today we are going to start with (Y/N) and their anxiety." My head snapped up and my wide eyes scanned the circle before landing on Nurse Ratched. Knowing that she was going to call me out first didn't help the feeling of panic that fell on me in waves. "(Y/N), why don't you start by telling us what causes your anxiety." The foot that Billy wasn't holding down started tapping and I started to play with the hem of my shirt.
"Uh. Hi. I'm (Y/N). I have anxiety." I tried to joke. Billy and Taber laughed while everyone else looked on. I got a dirty look from Nurse Ratched. "Look. I don't know exactly what causes it. All I know is that once it starts, it is hard to stop." I watched her eyes travel down to my hands and then further to my tapping foot. "I know that when I have to be put on the spot, like this, it gets worse. And if it gets any worse, I have a panic attack which drains me for the rest of the day."
"And does this make your depression worse?" My eyes went wide and all my anxious tics stopped in shock. Billy looked between me and Nurse Ratched in shock. My hands started to shake and I squeezed them into fists to stop them. I could feel my arms starting to shake, knowing that it wasn't working.
"How do you know about that?" I whispered. "I didn't disclose that." I started to shake my head as I felt my chest tighten. "That's under control. It's not why I'm here. I can handle that." I could feel the panic filling my body as it felt like my whole body started to shake.
"You didn't think they would find out?" Harding laughed. I sat frozen staring at Nurse Ratched, not even acknowledging Harding. Billy leaned in front of me and glared at Harding.
"Can it Harding." Taber growled out.
"Well (Y/N). Does it make your depression worse?" Nurse Ratched reiterated. I could feel my breath coming in short bursts and my chest tighten even more than it already was.
"I don't have to tell you anything about that." I rasped. "That is not the reason I am here. That has nothing to do with this." I felt Billy's foot move off of mine and my eyes shifted over to see him looking down at his feet, his lips pressed into a thin line. "I refuse to talk about that Nurse Ratched."
"In therapy we talk about everything that could be affecting us. So this is a topic for discussion. Now answer the question." She answered in that annoyingly calm and cold voice. My eyes snapped back to her. It felt like my whole body was vibrating and I could feel the tears that had been welling up in my eyes finally fall down my cheeks. I tried to take deep breaths to calm my racing heart but it was hard when it felt like my chest had shrunken at least two sizes.
