Stuttering Anxiety

Welcoming Committee

The door clanged shut behind me, making me look back. The bars were a little menacing and my hands shook slightly as it started to dawn on me what I had just done. Voluntary sign up. In a mental institution. Everyone had always told me I could handle my anxiety and that I would be fine but things just got too much for me. I had to do it. So I checked myself in and planned on staying until I felt I was better. As I turned back to the open room, I saw some of the other patients looking at me. One of them caught my eye. He was young, well young looking and sitting at a table with three other guys playing cards. His blue eyes were piercing and I raised my hand in a way of greeting while the guards stopped me in front of the nurse's station. The one holding my belongings went in.

"Nurse Ratched, (Y/N) (Y/L/N) is here." he said before leaving. My eyes left the boy playing cards and turned to the woman behind the glass. My lips twitched and I bit my lip to keep from giving her a friendly smile that most likely would not have been well received.

"Thank you Mr. Washington." the nurse said before looking at me. She turned back to the other nurse and I was ushered into the room. I could feel the anxiety start to spike as the guards left me standing in the middle of the room. I swallowed and looked around. I put my hands in front of me and interlaced my fingers to try to stop my shaking as well as hide it from anyone that was looking. As I turned around I met those blue eyes again. Taking a deep breath I made my way over to the table he was sitting at and stood next to him.

"Hello." I said quietly. The other men at the table either didn't notice me or didn't want to acknowledge me. I bit my lip and made to move away from the table.

"H-hi." I froze at the timid voice that answered me. "I-I'm B-b-billy Bibbet." He extended his hand to me and I slowly reached out and shook it.

"I'm (Y/N) (Y/L/N)." I answered. Billy smiled at me and looked to the right of me. He pointed at the chair behind me.

"W-w-would y-you l-like t-t-to sit d-d-down?" I grabbed the chair and pulled it over as he moved his chair over. We settled into quiet again as the card game continued. I watched eagerly at what was going on, happy to even be slightly included and not left standing in the middle of the room all by myself. I could feel Billy looking over at me from time to time but it didn't bother me. As the game progressed and I started to relax, Billy tried to include me by showing me his cards and letting me help him play his hand. The other guys at the table still didn't really acknowledge me but it didn't matter much. Billy did and that just meant I wasn't alone.

I settled into the schedule of the ward fairly quickly with Billy's help. Our beds weren't too far from each other so there were some late night conversations, the early ones preparing me for what I could expect the next day. I sat next to him on the days he played cards and learned the names of the other players. Charlie Cheswick, who was the next player to acknowledge me and attempt to get the others to let me join in, Dale Harding, who was the apparent leader of this little card ring and refused to deal me in, Martini, who kept trying to steal looks at Billy's cards which led to me sitting in between them, and Max Taber, who was more content to watch and poke fun at Harding. I got along well with Taber but not as well as I did with Billy. The card games helped clear my head most days. The quiet was disconcerting but it always seemed like Billy knew exactly when to pull me from my thoughts and pull me back into the game.

The first "therapy" session I was included in felt like a circus. I had always overheard the sessions before and I always rolled my eyes at how Harding controlled the time. No one else seemed to mind or if it did no one said anything about it. I think they were just glad they didn't have to share anything. Nurse Ratched had come right over to our little card table to tell me I would be included in the next session.

"(Y/N)?" she had said. I had nodded in response. "I just wanted to let you know you are free to join in our sessions now."

"Thank you Nurse Ratched." I said quietly. I had learned fairly quickly that you did as she said and did not mess around with her. It was easier to survive here if you flew under her radar.

"And you will be starting the session." She said before walking away. My eyes went wide and before I had even noticed my hands starting to shake, Billy had placed his cards in them.

"P-p-play th-this hand f-for m-m-me?" He asked, carefully catching my eyes. I nodded, feeling like I was in a trance. Billy squeezed my wrist before giving me a gentle smile. "H-Harding y-y-you b-b-better l-let (Y/N) p-p-play or I-I'll d-d-deal n-next t-t-time." With a hard look at the men at the table, Billy ran off after Nurse Ratched. I moved into Billy's chair to have a better reach at the table and Taber moved into my seat to keep Martini from looking at my cards. I was pretty shaky at first but Taber helped me out. I soon got the hang of playing by myself. By the time Billy returned, I had won a couple of hands. "H-how's it g-g-going?" Billy took the chair Taber had vacated and looked at the cards in my hand.

"Pretty good." I said, sending him a small smile. "I didn't do too well to start but Taber helped and now I'm actually winning a little." Billy smiled at me before looking at Harding to get dealt in. To my surprise, Harding dealt him in and let me continue to play. We sat in silence for a while before I leaned over to Billy. "What did you go after Nurse Ratched for?" Billy bit his bottom lip and tore his eyes away from his cards.

"I d-didn't g-g-go a-af-after h-her." he shrugged. I narrowed my eyes at him before playing my hand.

"Yes you did. Right after she said I would start the session." I shot back. Billy's eyes moved back to the cards in his hand and shrugged before placing them down. He smiled at the other guys at the table, collected his winnings and got up. I quickly did the same, following him to the other side of the day room. "Billy. Hold up." He sighed as he turned to me and started to play with the necklace he wore.

"W-when sh-sh-she s-s-said y-you w-w-would start th-the s-session, I s-saw y-y-your h-hands sh-sh-shaking. I c-c-couldn't ju-just let her g-g-go withou-out t-t-telling her it wa-was a b-b-bad id-d-dea." He responded. "B-b-but sh-she s-still w-wants y-y-you to g-go f-f-first." I bit my lip before pulling him into a hug.

"Thank you." I whispered as he hesitantly hugged me back. His arms tightened around me as he heard the sniffles start. I bit my lip harder to try to stop them from happening but it didn't work. "At least you tried." I felt Billy's face being pressed into my shoulder as I pressed mine into his.

"Sh-sh-she w-won't h-hurt y-you." His whisper barely reached my ears. "I w-won't l-let h-her." I nodded against his shoulder.