tw // self-harm, suicide
— this is purely based on my imagination, and decided to just post it. this could be very triggering to those who are suffering from illnesses. so please don't read when you don't feel okay. your mental state is important.
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my blurry eyes flutter open, as my head is still heavily spinning. i looked at my left, i figured that it was still dark but not very much, since i saw a little amount of light peeping from outside my window. i'm guessing, it's 4 o'clock in the morning.
and to be brutally honest, i don't know why the fuck i still woke up. i'm madly disappointed that i still came back to my senses. i uttered "fuck" to myself, but no voice seemed to come out, my throat feels absolutely hoarse.
last night, was my first attempt on taking my own life. yes, you're right. obviously, i failed. it took me pretty much a while occupying myself thinking of countless ways i could die so heavenly. and only a couple of hours ago, i finally had the guts and thought of a way of dying with lesser pain. it may sound ridiculous, as someone who has always been suicidal, i was kind of frantic towards any form of physical pain, it's not like i wasn't feeling and suffering from it on the inside, for literally the entire time i was alive but the thing is, physically? the thought of it makes me jittery.
having panic and anxiety attacks wasn't a new scenario for me. basically, it just shows up when i get triggered, and by that i mean everyday. to tell you, it was the peak last night. absolute worst.
my entire body was shaking so badly, teeth chattering because of shivers, my legs were trembling, along with salty tears rolling down my cheek. i couldn't breathe. i felt like there was something much heavier than me resting on top of my chest disabling me to grasp for air. i was suppresing my sobs, afraid to be heard across my parents bedroom. it was all too much. i wasn't in control of my own body anymore.
in the midst of all of it, the heavenly idea popped in my disarray mind like that. i shakily stood up, reached for whatever pills i have on my drawer, trying my best not to make any loud sound. i swallowed countless amount of medicines — those i take for sleeping, and some i could barely remember.
in that moment, nothing mattered anymore. all i cared about was wanting everything to stop. i wanted to feel nothing at all. i wanted to be free from all the pain this world has caused me. i wanted to be gone.
my breath was still unsteady, the shaking didn't stop either. and slowly, my body starts to take in the pills. i just knew, i could feel some parts of me are becoming numb. until my head started spinning, i already knew i was about to get knocked off unconcious.
what could be the last thoughts of someone who's taking their own life? honestly, blank pointless nothing. it's not like somebody's going to cry for me. i just know that this world would be a tad bit better, getting rid of a mentally unwell, disgusting, problematic fuck like me. they should be even thanking me. no ounce of regret at all, i guess this was really what i desired for a long time now.
but then you guessed, i'm very much alive and awake right now. you know what i instantly thought of? i am such a failure. up to my last breath, i'm nothing but a complete failure.
my body lacks the energy to even move a muscle. however, there was this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. which obviously means i need to throw up. i forced myself to move despite having no capability to stand up on my own two feet. i still feel numb. i headed to the bathroom, body weak & light headed. i kneeled in front of the toilet, shoved my fingers at the back of my throat and wait till i throw up. i haven't eaten a single meal for two days, which makes it hundred percent worse because it felt like my insides were about to explode any minute.
this sucks. i better go eat something. after a few minutes of existential crisis, i decided to go downstairs and grab something to eat. my last meal i guess? currently, i'm alone in our house since both my parents got off to work. which is actually way better than having to face them, plastered with i'm okay on my face which clearly i am not, unaware that their only daughter had attempted to kill herself half past midnight, alone in her bedroom whilst the two of them were sleeping very soundly.
i decided not to eat anything, and went for a cup of coffee instead. despite having palpitations and intense insomnia, i still live for caffeine. who cares.
stating the obvious, the pills didn't quite work. with half filled mug on my hands, my mind ought to plot my second attempt.
i searched my sanctuary, profoundly looking for a sharp edged metal, a once again familiar scene. trying to remember where i kept it hidden for some time now. i wasn't very sure if my idea's going to succeed this time. but i figured it would be a such good act, and romanticize to perfect my death.
i found what i was looking for in one of my boxes where i put my belongings and saw that there were remains of dried stains, which was from months ago.
as soon as i got a hold of it, i wondered if i should at least leave a letter for them to understand why i needed to do what i just did. however, i just stood there as my body refused to move. complete state of numbness has taken over the depths of my existence. i tightened my grip whilst holding it on my left hand, i shakily watched the blood slowly dripping.
for the last time, i cried and cried as much as i bled internally. i weeped my soul out, screaming to my heart's extent. i'm intrigued with the irony of pain and numbness. i couldn't believe it was possible to feel nothing and being at the peak of everything else at the same time . . .
in a few minutes, i found myself leading towards the bathroom. with all my clothes on, i lay in the tub, tapped the faucet to start running.
unexplainable horrid sensation started pooling all over my body. i looked up the dirty white ceiling, draped with the numbing cold water that's speedily rising.. almost overflowing the tub.. and rapidly just like that the crystal clear color turns into crimson.
