Embers and Ashes

t e n: Crashing Down

After Matt drops me off at my dorm, I bolt out of the car before Nick could even get a word out. I told him I didn't want to hear it and I meant it. I know Roman is his best friend and he'll most likely take Roman's side but I won't hold that against him. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to want to sit there while Nick explains that Roman is only doing this because "he loves me". 

Luckily, I think Nick could sense my irritation with everything and let me get out of the car without muttering a word whatsoever. I'll talk to him again eventually, but let's just say that I have zero obligations for the next week because I have a feeling that the moment I get in bed I'm not going to want to get out. 

Roman put me in a state of total mental and emotional exhaustion and I could feel every single painful beat of my heart. I was aching on from the inside out, wishing with every bone in my body that it would all just stop. 

I needed everything to just stop. 

I trudged up the stairs, not having the energy to be confined in an elevator alone with my thoughts...even though I'll be alone with my thoughts for the next week. I don't know if I would rather have Mallory here with me. 

On one hand, she would give me a much-needed distraction. it seemed as if her life was going uphill ever since arriving at Cornell. She's made plenty of friends that she goes out with on a regular basis, a stable relationship, and most of all, she doesn't have someone threatening to potentially kill her and everyone that she loves. Hearing about all of her successes would either take my mind off of my own struggles or simply accentuate them to where I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. 

After unlocking my door, I sigh in relief when I take into account that nothing has been moved or broken or dug through. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to living in a constant state of anxiety-ridden anticipation that something horrible is about to happen. 

I peel myself out of the nice outfit that I had put on especially for Roman and instead replace it with sweatpants and ironically, one of Roman's hoodies. It lost his scent long ago but anytime I want to be reminded of him I wear it. I should probably find a different coping mechanism considering he pretty much just told me to forget about him for good but for now, I'm just gonna let myself wallow in my own misery. I think I've earned it. 

I climb into my bed and pull my large comforter up to my chin. I have the sudden temptation to grab my phone and look through all of the pictures of Roman and me- pictures that I had no other choice but to hide in my documents folder instead of my photo app just in case. No one else would know where to look for them but me if my phone were to ever be taken.

However, when I feel my hand twitching in the direction of my phone, I stop before I can get there. I need to learn some better self-discipline now more than ever. 

Instead, I return my hand to being under the comforter once again and close my eyes. Maybe if I envision myself in a lush field blooming with flowers I'll trick my mind into being happy. 

It's a long shot and I already know it won't work but I'm willing to try everything to keep my mind occupied. 

I don't know how long my eyes are closed but suddenly there's a loud blaring coming from beside me and my blinds that were once filtering the bright sunlight are now bringing in darkness. 

Did I fall asleep?

I turn my head to the side, pushing the stray hair out of my face to find the source of the sound when I see my phone illuminated.

I groan, wanting nothing more than to be completely alone, but answer it nonetheless when I see it's Mallory that's calling. 

When I told her I was staying on campus by myself I could tell that she was slightly worried. Even though she doesn't know all of the details about why I am the way I am, she knows I'm going through something and have been in a funk for months. I feel supported by her and the fact that she's calling to check up on me, but I don't think I'm in any state to fool her into thinking that I'm doing okay- she won't fall for it this time.