Two Pieces of a Puzzle ✔

Chapter Seven

ELIOTT

We spoke for hours on end about things that didn't matter. Things that would never really matter. But, talking to him about that made it feel like they had always mattered. 

With him, every moment always mattered. 

Always.

I wanted to see him. I wanted to see his face so bad, my heart was throbbing to. 

And so I sent him a text asking him if he could send me a picture of himself. 

He didn't question it, he just did it. 

Initially, the hesitation to look at the picture was eating me alive. I couldn't bring myself to look at it - if it were really Eric, my entire being would shut down. 

I forced myself to do it anyway. 

The moment I laid eyes on that picture. 

Him with his beautiful dark eyes glistening under the room lights, wrinkles visible at the corners of his eyes. 

Him with his soft, dark hair that fell above his eyes ever so slightly, blocking his vision. But he didn't seem to mind. 

Him with his cheeks that were painted a crimson shade from having been out in the cold for too long. 

Him with his dark eyebrows that were furrowed in relish. 

Him with that smile that had the power to stop the world. The smile I had fallen so in love with. The smile that stretched to the furthest ends of his cheeks, a faint dimple visible on each cheek. 

The smile that stabbed at my heart mercilessly whilst embracing it with overwhelming warmth at the same time. The smile that triggered a whirlpool of emotions in my mind that eventually sucked in all train of thought in their way, sending them plunging into the deepest pit of nothingness to the point where I was left with nothing to say; nothing to think.

Eric Zhang. 

It's you.

And then my mind began to ache after having looked at the picture a second time. 

It was a sharp pain that originated from the back of my mind and rushed to the very front at the speed of light before bursting like a supernova and travelling in every direction I could think of, burrowing holes into every corner of my brain and sinking in with so much intensity, I had to hold my head in my hands and shut my eyes for a moment. 

Then came the memories. 

The memories I was trying so hard to forget. 

They didn't come in one after the other, they came in all at once. 

Then again; with him, everything was always all at once. 

"Eli, you'd never leave me, would you?" 

"Eli, you look really pretty under the light of the moon."

"Eli, I don't ever want to lose you."

"Eli, I love you."

The l-word. The word he always threw around so carelessly. He said it even when he didn't mean it, and that took away all value the word withheld; but my heart still managed to flutter every single time he said it to me. 

The word that made and destroyed the both of us. 

My phone vibrated. 

'You okay? Am I that ugly?' the message read.

'No, sorry. I was just surprised. You're really handsome.'

'Thank you.'

He didn't ask to see me. He didn't ask for anything. It was just a simple 'thank you', that was it. 

That was so like you to do, Eric. 

You never asked too many questions, but at the same time you asked more than you should have. 

You never really cared about much, but when you did; you cared more than you should have. 

You never really loved anything; at least not as much as I loved you.

Loved.

Past tense, once again.

"You're moving on," Toby's words rang through my mind.

I'm not. 

I never would. 

If I wanted to move on, I would have done it.. maybe ten years ago.

'Can we call?' Elias - or Eric - questioned.

I didn't have the chance to respond. He was already calling. 

In a state of panic, I answered.

We stayed in silence for a while. Neither of us said anything.

"Hey," his voice spoke after a while. 

That raspy voice. 

My heart plummeted into the deepest, darkest corner of the abyss that had been attempting to swallow it for an entire decade and disintegrated into a million little pieces, each piece glowing a gloomy blue. 

It was really him.

"Hey," I said back after having pulled myself together.

"So.. how ya doin'?" 

"Good," I said with a smile. "Really good, actually."

We spoke for another few minutes about things that didn't matter. But again, when he spoke about them, he made them seem like they had always mattered; and I just hadn't noticed how much they really mattered. 

Just like how things had been with Eric. 

I never really understood how much he mattered until he was gone. 

I never really appreciated him telling me he loved me until he couldn't tell me anymore. 

I never really appreciated those hugs we shared every morning until I knew I could no longer hold him in my arms. 

I never really appreciated that raspy voice of his until I knew I could no longer hear it. 

I placed my phone against my chest when silence fell upon us once again. 

Comforting silence. 

Silence that the both of us needed. 

And, with my phone resting against my chest, I hoped that he could somehow hear how fast my heart was beating in that very moment.

Live, even if you're living for someone else. 

I'll live for you, Eric.