Diatribes

The downfall

news at hogwarts did not stay quiet for long. by the time the four boys had gone down to the common room, everyone was nervously discussing the downfall of narcissa black. no one knew who it was. the few conspiracy theorists in the common room had started a list of slytherins most likely to curse someone. the long list included Professor slughorn. cursing someone is really serious business.the punishments would be so severe that no one could quite believe someone would risk all that.

it was professor mcgonagalls arrival at the Gryffindor common room that really had every one shaken up. She confirmed the rumors and stated that no one will be allowed to exit or enter the towers for two days. in a wave of guilt, sirius realised that this was the perfect opportunity to get out of his potions class for another two lessons.

"the house elves will bring you your food, you're to wash only in your dormitories. if you have any knowledge of the incident please do come forward. we wish for hogwarts to be a safe space for all of you, even if that means delaying your classes" and with that statement, the professor had swiftly exited through the portrait door.

a buzz of wonder had ripped through the crowd. confused first years and very anxious 7th years. "this is crazy" james whispered, his eyes had widened yet again. all sirius could do was nod. Bewilderment spread through the crowd like wildfire, to hex someone was one thing, to curse someone though ? it was just unheard of. Even the first years knew the difference.

Even as James caught a glimpse of Lily Evans, he couldn't conjure up any of his usual witty, flirtatious remarks. It was almost as if nothing else existed in his head, except for the fact that someone - Narcissa black was cursed. He sighed as he headed back up to their dorm room. the other three friends followed suit. Peter dived up the steps and was out of sight in a flash. Remus slowly limped his way up the steep wooden steps, dragging his feet as the stairs began to curve in a spiral. Sirius was behind remus, occasionally putting a supportive hand on his back so he could feel steadier. Remus hesitated a second before coming to a complete halt in the middle of the stairs. he carefully positioned himself so that he was facing sirius, not aware of how close sirius actually was, seeing his face within a hairs width of him was quite startling.
"what is it ?" sirius pressed, eyebrows raised.
"honestly, I could really go for a smoke with you right now" remus sighed into his words.
to this, sirius only smirked- reached his veiny hand out to remus' and grabbed the boys hand.

Remus, in a flash of delight and confusion, willingly clenched his friends hand and hopped up the stairs at a much faster and eager pace. This time, sirius was in the lead. arm extended backwards, practically dragging a very flustered remus. remus looked at sirius. suddenly all of the feelings he'd felt the other night came flooding back to his head, and most importantly, to his heart. the way the boys hands fit perfectly together. the way the black haired boy was so careful with the werewolf. the way he looked back at him with a beaming smile. the sun to the moon. 26 letters of the alphabet could never describe what the two boys had, but it was close to ecstasy.

they had arrived to the door of their room, sirius pushed it open with his remaining free arm, the other still clinging to remus' cold fingers.

"all right ladies, it's smoko time" sirius announced to the room, a dull faced james and peter looked up.
"what the fuck is a smoko" james retorted, expecting it to be some sort of stupid form of magic.
"a smoke break. i saw it in a muggle reality tv show once" sirius said. almost proud of himself that he had learned something about the muggle world that none of his other friends knew.

peter bounded over to his suitcase, opened it and grabbed the box, not even taking one for himself, he handed them straight to sirius.
"seriously wormtail? not going to join us this time?"
sirius mocked. The truth was that however much peter wanted to, he knew james despised it. and he was always looking to please or impress james, no matter how close they were. that's just how peter worked.
"guess it's just us then Moony" sirius, still holding his hand, smiled and squeezed it. this sent butterflies through remus' stomach.
"okay well, we're gonna go back to the common room, i don't like the smell." james announced as he bounded through the door yet again.

"that didn't take long" sirius said as he watched Wormtail and prongs exit the room.
"take long for what?" remus tilted his head like a lost puppy.
"for us to be alone"

so there they were, the two of them. Smoke from the both of their cigarettes interlacing as it drifted into the cool night. Remus, hardly able to have a coherent thought, gazed at the stars. It was almost as if every draw from his cigarette lessened the intrusive thoughts that crashed into him like waves.

Remus didn't know it, oblivious that boy was, but while his sparkling eyes were latched into the night sky, Sirius' eyes were staring straight at him. Sirius, in his obscurity hardly ever stopped to take in the sight that was remus lupin. Deep set eyes and pink cheeks, scars like string dangled across him. Dimples when he smiled. a natural raised brow when he was focused. these were all things sirius had noticed within the past few days of eyeing his friend. of course he had looked at him before, of course he had. but it hit sirius in this moment. the two sharing a cigarette or two. that he had never really looked at him, never really seen him.

Heat caressed Sirius' hand as he realised remus was wavering his cigarette beside his him. the warmth, in its comfort and peace snapped Sirius out of his daydream-like endeavours. Remus had his head tilted, clearly being confused as to why the black haired boy had been staring straight at him for a good amount of time. Sirius looked remus up and down before taking the cigarette remus had offered him. He laced the alight cigarette between his fingers delicately, drew it up to his mouth, lips shutting like glue around it. one deep breath in, he could feel the smoke circling around his throat before inhaling it properly. it circled to his lungs and with another breath, it was dancing in the moonlight.
"Sirius-" Remus had started, before averting his gaze to the floor and shaking his head, tufts of hair springing out in every direction.
"Remus." Just by Sirius saying his name itself was enough to send shivers down his spine.
"don't worry" the boys met each other's eyes at last.
There was something in this gaze that was new. something that hadn't been so obvious before.

Without hesitation, Sirius extended his hand once again to the blonde haired boy. the windowsill that remus had his hand rested on was now accompanied by two hands, they were holding hands again.
"whatever it is, however bad, you can tell me" Sirius squeezed into the puddle of fingers and feelings.
"well, the other day we brewed a-amortentia" Remus started again. Without a reply, he went on. "it's supposed to smell like what we're attracted to. You know, James smelled Lily- or at least things that remind him of her. i mean obviously he would smell lily i mean have you noticed how often he talks about her ? He's practically- "
but he was interrupted.
"you're rambling. you only ramble when your nervous." Sirius was now the one with his head tilted in confusion. this time he was the lost puppy.
"yeah. well i, i think i smelled you in that potion sirius." remus went bright red as he said it, immediate regret flowing through his veins showed its course through his red hot cheeks.

"Fuck" Remus had a sudden outburst.
"i fucking knew it was stupid, why would i tell you that ? you're probably so uncomfortable right now. i mean, you didn't even know i was gay, let alone that i had feelings for you and FUCK did i just fucking say that oh my god Sirius i'm so sorry, I don't want this to ruin our friendship i'll just.. i'll go"

Remus, not even taking a millisecond to look at the man he'd just confessed to, started to leave. until, a familiar set of hands placed themselves on the back of his shoulders. the feel of his fingers crawling around remus' shoulder blades felt like fireworks, an explosion of emotion. Like a dance, remus was pushed in a circle, guided by sirius' wavering hands. silence, sunset and deep breaths. the boys were now staring at each other. sirius tilted his head, this time it was knowingly. because, out of no where, sirius leaned forward, closed his eyes. and before they both knew it, had planted his soft lips upon remus'.