Since the dawn of history, man has been eating food. Even in prehistoric times, even before fire was invented, the human race has always been searching for more food. And while the agricultural revolution of the Neolithic period may be considered to have had the most important developments for the human collection and consumption of food, the truth could not be any further from this idea.
No, the inventions of agriculture and animal domestication were not the beginning of the widespread use of food; that's just silly. In fact, the only reason we really eat food so much is the invention of the grocery store.
Yep. The fact that we think that our bodies need the right food is really just evidence of the government subconsciously brainwashing us with nutritional propaganda to support the continuation of grocery stores throughout the world (Ahem, Michelle). I mean, think about it: we're brainwashed to think that we need certain food, so we give stores our money for food, then the government gets some of that money from grocery stores who want us nutritionally brainwashed in the first place to think we need healthy food, which is just ridiculous if you ask me. You can see this clearly in the flowchart above.
The invention of the grocery store was actually not an invention at all, but a discovery, made by the Mesopotamians in the Fertile Crescent. As legend has it, a tribe of people were looking for a place to start a new town, and soon they ran out of provisions. But the tribe, on the brink of starvation, stumbled upon the most beautiful sight they had ever seen: a large square building, built plainly on the outside with only the simple markings engraved on the wall that read "Quick-ee Mart". The tribe, astounded, rushed inside to find to their rapture row upon rows of glorious food. Bread, milk, eggs, Pringles, 7-Up and more stretched as far as the eye could see.
The tribe ate their food from the Quick-ee Mart and decided to begin their new settlement around the grocery store they had discovered, and called it Quicktopia. The Quicktopians believed in the god Quikimarta, who bestowed the beloved Quick-ee Mart to the tribe in their biggest time of need.
Fun fact: the Quikimartan religion is still practiced today, and has a major holiday called Quickmas on December 25 each year.
It was from this culture of Quicktopians that all other grocers and food related religions branched from, including the original Trader Joe's, which we will discuss in out next chapter.
---------DISCLAIMER---------
As you can see, I am the least qualified person in the world to teach history, so while some aspects of this story may be true and hold some historical weight, this book is fictional and should be treated as such. Please do not leave rude comments about factual errors, because I will probably be making a lot in this book. If you're confused about something, leave me a comment and I'll see what I can do for ya. Thank you!
:) -Tara
