To The Place I Belong

SYLVIA

I walked fast, faster than I ever had and crossed the lane. My whole body was shivering, and my limbs would almost go numb in a matter of few minutes. The city lights blinded me but my mind went away to far off places without being hindered by the honks and traffic lights. I bumped into two or three people on the way and didn’t even care to say sorry.

My mind couldn’t even register what their expression had been like when I passed off rudely. And at last when I reached Gettison Garden, I perspired and breathed heavily. I was sweating although that didn’t make me feel any less colder.
I took one last look at my palms before entering into the maddening crowded area. They looked pale. Very pale.

I moved towards the place where Ben, Ethan and Myra had promised to wait but they weren’t there. Good! This could actually simplify things.
I could see George from a far off distance.  I need to wander off.
I started wandering about him, trying to look here and there with an appealing face. George noticed me and moved towards me with fast strides. I took care to show I hadn’t noticed him and went on an apparent hysterical search-appearing to be lost.
“Hey…” he called out. “Hey!” He called out again.
“Oh Geroge! Where have you guys been? I have been searching you guys like a madman for the past two or three hours. Gawd!” I said panting heavily.
“So here you are. Did you get lost or something?” he asked me.
“Yah, so I finally found this place but where are Ethan and the rest?”
“Well, Ethan and Isabel are off for a ride, while Myra and Ben, you know…” he said passing a smile “are off at Biggy Burgers to have some conversations”
“Oh” I tried to sound stable and yet panting from a three hour search.
“Here they come…” he said

Isabel looked excited and happy while Ethan was frowning at his best.
“Where the hell have you been?” he asked reprovingly. “For three hours, where have you been?”
“I got lost” I said, trying to meet his eyes.
“For three hours?” he asked
“I had been trying to search you guys, but the crowd is getting thicker. You guys were not even there where you had promised to stay.”
“Yeah my bad…” said Ethan but the fact that I had been searching them for three hours hadn’t been well received by him. He just couldn’t believe me or so.
“Hey I had called Ben, he said to get moving, he and Myra would be late” said Ethan retaining the disturbed expression. He didn’t even look at me.
“Oh seems, like our buddy will get some good news tomorrow…” said Isabel enthusiastically. Her excitement was speaking for itself, I bet she could stay up all night to be on every ride twice.
“Alright time to go home guys” said Ethan. This relieved me a little. I wanted to go home as fast as possible.
“Oh my god you look so drained!” exclaimed Isabel examining my face and this was the least I was expecting of any of them.
“Oh yes, I…I’m tired.” I said and headed towards the gate. I turned around to ensure they would follow.
…
I lay on the bed, my eyes staring into the nothingness of the ceiling; my head was throbbing with a pain and my heart sinking slowly into a spasm. What have I done?

The bathtub was filled upto the brim and I immersed myself into it. I wanted to feel something- what was it that I wanted to feel? I couldn’t grasp it, maybe I wanted to feel warm and pure? I wanted the world to dissolve and all my memories to clear out of my mind, but the warm water in the bath tub only gave me an unyielding urge to submerge myself into it. What have I left in this world? Nothing. Mom, dad, Stephanie… No one.
I meditated there for almost an hour. And yet it didn’t make me feel any better.
When Jane knocked at the door I had to drive her away. I couldn’t bear to look at food or stuff it into my mouth as a matter of fact.
Outside the balcony, every  house had a car parked, some houses had their lights turned on, and I could imagine every home housing a happy family, and sharing stories over dinner at the dining table. It made me all the more morbid to look at the sky. I was drowning. I was drowning again.
What more scared me was the fact that I felt so little and shrinking under the sky which had sucked up all the joys of my life-my mom, my dad, my sister. Soon it would suck me in too.
Where do I run? I want to run away. Away.

I crawled back into the bed sheet, trying to curl up into a ball. I felt so cold and … terrified… and empty. I have done it. I have done it.

Finally, I took a look at the photo frame, staring at me bleakly, and I think I heard it say-
“Yes, you have done it. The worst is over.”
That was when I held it close to my chest, maybe I could feel it beating against my heart.

When the bed couldn’t offer me the peace I had been searching in it, I decided to crawl under the bed and wait for the night to be over.