Casey McCloud Escapes from Hell

Episode I: Casey McCloud Arrives in Hell

Casey McCloud opened her eyes.

 There was darkness. Screams of pain and agony. The heat was sweltering and the ground she was lying on was hard and jagged.  It didn't make sense to Casey; the fire, the heat, the ground. She was pretty sure that this was not where she slept last night. Hadn't it been in front of the steps at the hospital?

Yes, it was, Casey thought with some certainty. So why was she here?

"Is there something interesting about the sky, Casey McCloud?" A nasty voice asked. There was no better way to describe this voice than... nasty. Like, the way a person would sound if they were forced to eat a raw heart while watching their parents be brutally murdered while taking a bath in dying cockroaches.

Casey turned her head to the side and gasped. The horrific thing before her was no doubt The Devil.

He... she... it... it had horrific eyes. They stared into your soul and pulled the joy out; replaced it with malice and hatred. Its entire face was steely and hard, as if it were wearing a scary Halloween mask, but one that blinked and grimaced. It was entirely red, like the color of blood. Its body constantly changed form, a swirling mass of bits and pieces that sometimes resembled a twisted and mangled human body. Above its head was a sign that read "Welcome to Hell, Hope you Like Sunburn". It sat upon a throne of skulls and other various bones. And it was staring at her.

Casey wobbled to her feet. She felt claustrophobic, even though she wasn't usually claustrophobic. It was sickening, and her head spun. The two of them where in a large circular piece of rock, elevated like a tower, which gave a nice view of a horrendous land that stretched on, seemingly forever. Scattered around the floor here were an assortment of random weapons.

Casey also noticed that she was dressed in a ratty black t-shirt, ripped jeans (not those ones that were purposefully ripped for fashion purposes, but as if a dog had clawed them to shreds) and brown leather boots that went up to her calves.

"A-a-are you the devil?" She asked. The thing nodded, which was honestly more terrifying than it sounds.

"I am Lucifer the Great Evil!" It snarled. "They call me the Accuser, the Crafty One, the Serpent, the Enemy; I am known as Beelzebub, Belial, The Dragon, the Deceiver; I am the False Prophet, the Antichrist;, the Creator of the Seven Deadly Sins, the Prince of Demons, and Ruler of Hell!"

"I'm sorry;" Casey said meekly. "I always thought that Lucifer, the False Prophet, and the Antichrist were different things."

The Devil laughed. "Not down here, babe. In the Wasteland of the Damned, We're all in one; the Unholy Trinity!"

Casey thought for a second. Her mind was still waking up from whatever had happened, but she was pretty sure that things were starting to make sense.

"So, Devil, if this is in fact Hell, and you are in fact Lucifer, and I am in fact here, does that mean that I... died?" Beelzebub grinned down at her from its high throne.

"You finally figured it out. Yes, you died. It was quite graceful, to be honest. You went peacefully in your sleep. Sort of. There was a bit of screaming, and you may have rolled off the hospital steps and hit your noggin on something extremely hard, giving yourself a concussion and thus speeding up your untimely demise, but other than that, the process went smoothly."

"But, why didn't I go to Heaven?" Casey asked meekly.

"BECAUSE THERE IS NO HEAVEN!" The Demon Supreme roared. Casey screamed and fell back onto the hard ground. Then Satan chuckled.

"I'm pulling your leg, child. It's mainly because of the..." it spread out the two whirly things that were supposed to be hands, and a long, dirty piece of parchment appeared in them. "...seven acts of theft, countless amounts of swearing and masturbation, one attempted murder, and nine alcoholic beverages consumed before you were eighteen."