hiding

Knives make bad toys

"I want you to stay here." Marco stated, shutting the door.

Alexia made her way to the bed, crawling underneath the covers and curling into a ball, not responding. Marco starred at her, starting to get concerned.

"Alexia?"

"What?" She mumbled, barely audible.

"Did you hear what I said?" Marco asked.

"Yea, I wouldn't have gone with you anyways." Alexia admitted, "I'd just slow you down, I'd get you hurt."

"It's not that Lexi." Marco sat down next to her, a hand on her leg, "You've just been through enough today. I'm not sure your ready to try and fight a Marine on your own just yet."

"Can you not bullshit me for once?" Alexia sat up, sounding angry, her eyes brimming with tears yet again.

"Lexi if I said something to upset you I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything, I'm just furious with myself!" Alexia ranted, "I was awful out there! What if Izo had gotten hurt? He needed me and I did absolutely nothing! I'm worthless! A failure! How could I just leave him to fight them on his own? What's wrong with me?!"

"Yoi! Nothing's wrong with you! You're not a failure!" Marco exclaimed, "We knew your reaction today was a possibility. Izo didn't get hurt, unfortunately you did before I could get to you. There's no reason to be upset with yourself."

"There is a reason! I let you all down. I don't belong here with any of you. I'm a coward." Alexia glared down at her hands.

Marco moved to put a hand on her shoulder, withdrawing it as she instinctively flinched away from his touch. Marco frowned, she hadn't flinched away from his touch in quite a while now, it was disheartening to see her return to it. Alexia laid back down, curling into a ball once more. Sighing, Marco got up, walking towards the door.

"I'm going to give you some time, but you're not a coward Alexia, you didn't let anyone down." Marco shut the door behind him.

Alexia laid there, for once wishing for anything but silence. Her thoughts were loud inside her head, racing. She hadn't felt like such a failure since her mother and her big brother died. Once again, she had let the Navy get the best of her, had let them hurt her and someone she cared about... again. Anxiety rose in her chest, and she felt it was harder to breathe, she was feeling trapped, suffocating from nothing. She got up and searched the drawer to Marco's desk for some of the medication Doc had left for her anxiety, and to her dismay found none. Panic was flooding her body and she began to feel dizzy. Her chest hurt so much she thought her heart was being squeezed from the inside.

Alexia ripped the drawer out, papers spilling onto the ground, as she franticly looked for the medicine. She knew it wouldn't help instantly, but just even knowing she had it, that eventually it would work, would make her feel much better.

Sobs began racking through her body as she begun to have vivid recalls of the abuse she suffered at the hands of Akainu and her stepfather. The pain of hands around her neck so fresh, she felt as if she couldn't breathe. She was terrified once again because of a Marine, and she hated the feeling. She didn't want to feel like this anymore. To Alexia this was unbearable suffering, even having escaped them, they seemed to have a hold of her through her mind.

Alexia's eyes flashed to the knife sitting at the far end of Marco's desk. He had forgotten it before he had left to regroup with the others. In that instant, the only thing Alexia could think about was ending her pain. A lifetime full of torture refused to leave her and she found herself close to passing out from being unable to breathe. The knife tumbled to the ground as her fingers fumbled to grab it, shaking so much that they could barely grab it.

Picking it up, she struggled to remove it from its small sheath. Without hesitation, she pressed it into her wrist, slicing vertically up her arm. Her mind focused on the blood that started dripping from her arm, lessoning the pain that flooded her mind. Her chest continued to pound, and she felt as if she needed to rip out her chest, before taking the knife and stabbing it just above her left breast. A new pain flooded through her body, she was grateful that for the moment that she could breathe, taking in a deep breath.

The knife dropped to the ground, and she starred at the blood on its blade. For a brief moment she could only think about its beauty in a twisted since. Tears poured down her cheeks and she started tremoring. Guilt filled her conscious faster than the panic had, at the idea of the crew finding her like this. They had done so much to help her, care for her. She realized how much of a betrayal this would be to them. She wasn't sure if she had wanted to die with her actions just then, she just wanted the pain to stop.

Alexia looked around Marco's room, her head starting to fill woozy. She grabbed a sheet, wrapping around her body, stumbling out the door. She avoided eye contact with any of the few crew members that had remained aboard the Moby, the sheet concealing her blood. She felt dizzy as she pushed open the heavy door leading to the only person she knew to go to at this moment.

Pops looked up, smiling at her as she entered, while Doc finished setting up his new tank of oxygen. An IV pump accompanying it. Alexia knew Pops wasn't in the greatest of health, not that the sake helped any, but she didn't realize it was this bad.

"What can I do for you brat?" Whitebeard chuckled slightly at her presence.

"Pops..." Alexia felt a rush of dizziness at the moment, her vision fading in and out, she could tell the blood was starting to show through the thin sheet, just as she let it drop to the ground, "I...I made a mistake... I'm sorry." Alexia crumpled to the ground, feeling a set of arms helping her remain upright just as she fell unconscious.