Life in Paintings

Chapter 34 - Barges on the Seine

Chapter 34 – Barges on the Seine

I wake up lying on the grass surrounded by small trees and bushes. I get up and I can see, a little further away, boats lining up on a river, following each other, like a little boat-train.

It's beautiful and peaceful. The sky is cloudy, and the weather's warm, but it's windy enough to make it a bit chilly.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

This is nice. It's quiet aside from the birds chirping around.

I think I can kind of see the outskirts of a town, further away but I don't have the energy to walk all the way there.

Anyway, I have no interest in it.

Instead, I make my way to the river bank.

There is not trail, not sign of other people walking these parts of the land, so it takes a little longer than I had anticipated for me to reach water.

It's good. I welcome the distraction. I need to focus on where to put my feet, not on how I'm feeling inside.

Once I reach a smooth patch of ground close enough to the river, I stop my trek.

I lay on the ground. Try to collect myself again.

Gustave is not dead. He's okay. I have to repeat this to myself. Hearing that he died does not make him really dead. When I was with Tanya, he was dead back then too and I was still able to go back to him.

I should really collect myself.

I don't know why hearing he was dead from Vincent hurt so much. Maybe because it was close to his time, the death was more recent, felt more real.

Or maybe because I've finally let myself truly feel something with Gustave the last time we were together, and now I'm just scared that I'll never see him again.

I hate feeling like this. It's a new kind of torture.

I should be looking at the boats slowly floating away, and maybe I should be trying to make sense of this painting, find its artist, figure out what the moral is, but I haven't been truly alone in a while and I just need to peace and quiet.

I need... a break.

This curse, it's too much input all the time. My mind never rests. I don't sleep, not really, so it never feels like I've taken a pause.

I need a break.

I'm so mentally exhausted. It's not just physical. It's deep, this fatigue.

So, I don't run after anything or anyone in this painting. Instead I stay there, lying on the grass, my eyes closed and I let the sun warm my skin and the breeze cool it.

I don't let my mind fall asleep, but I try not to let it wander on dark thoughts either.

Instead I focus on my breathing and on the sounds of the birds around.

I try to ground myself in this moment.

I don't know how long I stay on that riverbank, but I know that I do find a semblant of peace inside of me, and eventually fall asleep, feeling a little less like there's a storm inside my head.