please imagine me!

chapter 5

I stumbled and fell upon the white, polished floor of dr.McQueen's clinic, embarrassment filled in every cell of my body, until I realized that nobody could see me. I walked in quickly, unaware of why I was here. I felt as if an external force was pushing me towards the shadows, towards the dark side. however, I knew it was me. my soul and body, both wanted to survive this, badly. I waited for anna to move aside for some work, leaving behind her writing pad and the papers in which she wrote the schedules and other important notes.

I took hold of the pen as quietly as I could because picking it up in usual ways would risk the people seeing a pen floating in the air. I took out a fresh paper from beneath the stack and copied the schedules for the following week in it. I didn't want anna to know that I'd messed up with her schedule, so I added a weekly session for christy and crossed out the other ones. I placed her session at 10 in the morning on wednesday's when she'd be at school and I could keep her from going easily. leading her to a dead-end in her counseling was crossed-out in my to-do list and now I had to go for the meds.

I waited outside her house, battling with leaves that struck my hair every next second. as soon as I saw christy rushing out of the place with manec and an exciting kind of look, I made my way to the inside. I went straight into her room and searched for the meds, they were placed on her desk. she left them on the desk because she didn't know I could do this. she hadn't even had a glimpse of my evil side. I removed all the pills from the two cylindrical boxes and stretched my hand out to throw them away in the bin. at the right moment, I realized that christy would know if I threw all of them away. I saved two pills of each so that she wouldn't be suspicious. I was ready to leave but stopped mid-way through the door. the prescription! she could get new ones if I didn't take it away. I started afresh search party for the prescription and swirled around in the room due to my head filled with anxiety. I was considering giving up and just then, I noticed the bookmark that she was using. I opened the book and found the sheet folded three times. it was just a mass of crippled tissue when seen at a particular angle. I pulled out a clean sheet from my backpack, the sheet I'd taken from anna's writing pad. it didn't have the format of a prescription but it held the clinic's name in bold letters so that would do until I stole a prescription paper. I wrote the names of two common pills in Latin shabbily, planning to study medicine has its perks too. I folded the sheet in the exact same way and crumpled it a bit. I hurriedly rushed out before christy could notice my presence.

dozens of ideas climbed the ladder to my brain, but only one of them wasn't bitten by a snake in the way. I had to create nostalgic incidents for christy to remember, so what could be better than a surprise party.

I called her cell and asked her to meet me at the park at eight, sharp.

"no one's allowed inside after 7, Riri"

"see you at 8, bye!" I said cheerfully and hung up. I sneaked out some stuff of the supermarket and decorated the bench I sat on. the items just had to be hidden inside my clothes or behind my hand and voila! they become invisible. its almost as if I am a witch and a ghost and a human too. it didn't look plain and white anymore, the lights balloons, and other decorations had made it look completely different. I sat there idly for half of an hour, thinking of unique conversations and jokes to crack for her to remember. I was restless from the moment christy had lied to me this morning. it was almost as if I was spiraling or blacking out.

she came dressed in her casual sweat pants and an oversized tee. the look on her face after seeing me between all those lights and balloons was priceless. it was innocent. I shouldn't be doing this to her . she didn't deserve any of this. I changed the subject of the party from celebrating our friendship to celebrating her progress in the treatment due to my guilty conscience. I completely checked out of making it special, I was just going along with it. she talked about all that I'd missed in the past two days. two days and my life has changed completely, heh. I still prefer to call it life. I wanted to cry, let it out, and tell her the truth about me and what I've done. I interrupted her stories yet I couldn't. it was so hard even to think of her looking at me with as if she'd just met the most terrible person on the planet. she went away after a whole hour of chit-chat and food.

my body was so full of remorse that I couldn't manage to get up for 10 minutes after she left. finally, I gathered all the courage that I was left with after doing such terrible things and started for Stella's. I thought of the pledge frau carol asked all the children to take, but me. it went like this- "expressing my gratitude to the almighty for blessing me with such a beautiful day, I promise to be kind, sweet and keen on not hurting anyone intentionally..." it was hard to go beyond that line. I'd hurt christy, my best friend. I'd hurt the one who created me intentionally.

I felt tired and my legs seemed to be ready to fall down at any moment.

I looked up to find saint Stella's orphanage closer but someone else stood there. tall with not so broad shoulders and a gleaming smile on his face which made his eyes wrinkle. Caleb. I felt better upon seeing him but he couldn't help me. I needed someone to comfort me and he had no clue about what I am and what I've done.

"are you- you cryin'?" he asked. his face held a surprised look and his eyes widened. " no" I said, curtly. he came closer to me and his eyes looked deep into mine. he raised his hand to my shoulder level and pulled me inside. I pulled him inside and cried. I let it all out.

"I've done so many bad things"

"I'm bad"

I don't deserve this life'

"I shouldn't be existing"

I managed to say all this between sniffles and tears.

"There are worse people outside, Rihanna. whatever you did was for the sake of your own existence, it's alright, its gonna be alright" he said and moved his palm across my back and pressing his chin on my head in a comforting way while I cried with my head submerged in his shoulder and chest. "what did you just say?" I asked, breaking our hug. am I hallucinating now? "I know what you are," he said and a sorry but not sorry expression covered his face. how could he say that as if it meant nothing. "wha-how? I am" I said choosing my words carefully "I am human" was all I managed to utter. "you don't have to lie. I am imaginary and that's why I can see you and talk to you and" he took a deep breath as if I was the one who dropped the bomb. "I am imaginary" I pushed him away.

"Listen to me Rihanna, there's still a way to undo all that you've done. you can be good again and you know that. it's not as difficult as you think it is" he said and stopped for an answer from me.