Traces of the past

32. Loneliness

Dracula POV

A feeling I feared the most, something I hoped I'd never experience again, something painful, that drove your soul directly into the agony hole, into the darkness.

A thug in your heart when you realize it, then more and more until you can feel it anymore, you fall ill with no reason, your world becomes so empty, when you see the surroundings are full, but there is something missing.

Loneliness. A loneliness that I thought will break my bones, that will forsake my existence, that will bury me alive.

How could I look away from the frozen eyes of my dear advisor that were still looking at me with the same kindness?

The feelings in me were mixing. I never felt so many at once. Confusion, fear, anger, pressure, frustration, all of then were rolling over with speed, I even forgot I was in the middle of the forest. 

Why? Why was fate so cruel to me? Why do I have to lose everything that is precious to my heart? Wasn't it enough that I had to live in pain a long life, thinking of how everything died within me and now, when I felt regenerated and a new reason for existence arose, to lose everything again?

How long is this torture going to last? An eternity?

Subtle pain in my ribs, from the punches I received, were no longer something I felt. In my heart, the pain was too tough, took all the space from any other kind of emotion.

There, in my knees, in the heart of the forest, dirty with mud all over, I wish I believed enough to whisper a prayer, I wished I had enough faith to extinguish the pain. I only wished.

Silence, a complete silence fell over me. 

I gathered strength from all the corners of my body and my soul altogether and went to Petrov. His heart was unforgivingly pierced by his own spear, his hands were livid hanging next to his body. At touch he was still warm. I took out the spear. His body rolled into my arms like a puppet.

How many dead bodies I have seen, and no experience could have prepared me for this moment, the moment when I realised that he was not a simple servant to me, he was a dear friend.

There were a lot of wishes I had then, and next to them I could add another one: I wish I could cry. 

Maybe the burden will loosen a bit it grips on my entire being. Instead I painfully felt the vampire fighting for life inside of me; after the fight, my power decreased, not even this I was able to do without feeling pain.

-Petrov, Petrov...Please... No matter how many words I would have shouted in his ear, his eyes would not turn to me, they stood still starring at the tree behind.

I wanted to shout an immense amount of thoughts that were crossing my mind, which I did, but nothing more then this came out:

-WHY?

Maybe this moment would have more merciful on me, if someone would have come to hug me, to put his arm on my shoulder in a comforting way, but there was no one. I was alone, abandoned, not even animals would get closer to me.

Beacuse I was what I was, a monster. A monster that caused the death of so many people, among them loved ones too. 

I should cease my cruel existence, I should, I should as soon as possible set my bed on fire and let myself burn until nothing but ash remains. 

If only Reth was here... 

At the thought of my beloved man, a tear slipped in the corner of my eye. I was crying now? How? And thinking back, I happened once before too, when the pain was also related to him.