Unwanted

03

"The snow's getting thicker, I wonder if I can go outside." The little Nicolas mumbled to himself as he stared at the glass pane windows of the orphanage.

He wanted to go out. He wants to play in the snow but the sisters forbade him.

It's Christmas Eve and the sisters are busy preparing for tonight's party. The orphanage was also decorated with different Christmas decorations but what caught the children’s attention was the gifts with different sizes below the giant Christmas tree. Even more, when the sisters told them that Santa is going to visit them when midnight comes.

Nicolas too was excited that he even hang his brand-new socks near the chimney where he think Santa would enter.

He asked the sisters for a little stroll alone outside the snow earlier but they told him no, saying that the snow is too thick for him to play. But knowing Nicolas, he had a way out. It's been six months since Nicolas and Minen met. And for those months, Nicolas never found a place to be fully happy. He never found the perfect family he's wishing for. It wasn't because they die or they either got tired of him. It was as if, he wasn't really meant to have a happily ever after that the sister blabbed about every time they were told a bed-time stories.

Nicolas knew that much that his life would start in a once upon a time and nothing more. Sometimes, he thought that maybe, just maybe, his happily ever after was him ending his life. After all he never got contented ever since he has remembered. Yes, he would feel happiness but in the end of the day, he would ask himself, was he really happy to the point he wouldn't wish for more? Was that happiness enough to fill his emptiness?

The answer was always no.

Just like today, he felt happiness and excitement from the thought of Santa, at the thought of him playing in the snow, the thought of opening gifts just for him, that he could eat his favorite food this evening. But there will never be the feeling of contentment.

Then he remembered what Minen had told him. About nirvana, about death. Then just like that, he felt the need to talk with the man.

And so he sneaked out. He wore his favorite sweaters and padded jacket. He also put on his brown fluffy gloves and boots to protect him from freezing. He rarely look at the mirror before but he found himself looking at one.

“What are you doing?” Nicolas jumped up, slowly looking at his right just to find a girl on her pigtails boredly looking at him. She hugged her teddy tighter and said, “Where are you going?”

“Maisie…”

The kid that never gets adopted even once. Nicolas might not be friendly with the other kids in the orphanage but he still knows what is happening to them. And this kid in front of him is the most famous one amongst them as she is well known to never gets adopted. Nicolas thought that Maisie is cute and she will had no trouble getting the attention of the adults, then why?

“Where are you going?” She asked persistently although it can’t be perceived as she sounded bored and unwilling.

Nicolas grabbed her hands lightly while motioning her to silence. He put his right hand on the side of his mouth, whispering, “Don’t tell the sisters that I’m going out to play.”

Although he really meant to meet up with Minen, he couldn’t tell her that. He felt that if he told her that he knew someone outside the orphanage, Maisie would be curious and wanted to also meet Minen. And he can’t do that. Telling her about Minen means he can’t have Minen alone anymore. And that makes Nicolas feel bad.

“Oh… Alright.” The girl said and started walking away from Nicolas. That caught the boy off guard.

“That’s it?” He can’t help but to ask.