Everything I Thought I Wanted

   Before I start the story I just want to mention three things. 1. my grammar is not good for the most part and I know that. I really tried, okay?   2. PLEASE DO NOT COPY MY STUFF OR REPOST IT And 3. If you or anyone you love is thinking of killing themselves or is doing self harm please help them, talk to them or call 800-273-8255 and get help. This stuff is NOT a joke!

   I thought I dreamt I killed myself, by jumping off an enormous building. One so beautiful you would think it couldn't be connected with anything so twisted, so morbid and terrifying. The way the city lights lit up every area as far as the eye could see, it could take someone's breathe away. It did, but not in the way an innocent person may think.

   I knew what I was thinking when I followed the stairs up to the roof. When I got there I wanted to find hope. I was hoping I would finally wake up, be back in my bed safe and sound with no trace of the feelings I once felt. Though, something told me the feelings I felt would never go away. For five long years I would wake up and fake the happiness I craved so bad to truly feel. To sum it all up, in all seriousness, I hated myself. I hated the way I acted, the way I looked, the voice that would come out the moment I'd open my mouth to speak. No one understood. No one but the internet seemed to know that it was real.

   It wasn't something that could go away after a "good nights rest" and even if it could, it wouldn't. It is like an unwanted monster a child has in their closet or under their bed. Something that sits there, sometimes silent, spreading a creepy shiver down your spine. It makes your face turn pale and your throat dry ready to scream for help. Only to find that when you do no one is there to save you. Mom and dad aren't there to check and make you feel okay again. Instead, it just stands there. It hovers over you and takes all authority, all control, it makes you feel weak and worthless. There is nothing you can do. It never goes away and comes to torment you every night. You hide under the covers trying to slow your heavy breathing but you're only just suffocating yourself in the fear that nothing will change.

   The minute I realized I was close I was able to see the heavy blue metal door. It looked as though no one has used it in years. Was I really about to do this? Yes, I was. If I turned around now and just walked away he would win, they would win. Who would I even run to? I have no one. No one but a few people knew the way I felt. Though, even those people didn't seem to understand. They would always tell me "Don't worry sweetheart. I'm sure tomorrow or maybe even in a few days you will forget it all." But that never happened. It has been years, and just like the day it started, I don't see it ending on its own. I've tried everything I could think of to make it go away. To just feel okay, because deep down I know that's all I needed. This was my only escape.

   I pushed the handle to the door and immediately I was greeted with cold fall air and the darkness the night sky brought. I slowly walked through the door way and towards the middle of the roof. Thankfully, there wasn't any large fencing up that could prevent me from my escape. As I took one last look at the city and it's gorgeous lights, I allowed myself to try one more time to change my mind. To think of some other way. I didn't want to die but I also didn't want to live if it meant I'd have to deal with the pain any longer.

   It seemed like something out of a movie. That's when I thought again, this had to be a dream. It was just a nightmare, and the sooner I got to the scary part the sooner my body would allow myself to wake up. That's when I told myself it was time. I just wanted to wake up. As I approached the edge I looked down. I had to been at least 100 stories up.

   Should I just gracefully fall facing up? No one ever made instructions on how to jump off a building to kill yourself. Was there a right or wrong way? I mean there couldn't be, could there? From this height no matter how I fall I will die in the end. I shake my head in attempt to clear my jumbled thought and I turn around and line my feet perfectly together on the ledge. I take a deep breathe and fall back.

   My hands are in the air interacting with human instincts to try and grab something. There isn't anything to grab. I have sealed my fate, there is no going back.

   As I'm falling I can feel the cool crispy air between my fingers and toes. I can feel it on my legs coming through my thin sweatpants and my cozy hoodie. The same air is making my hair fly up as if it too is trying to grab onto the buildings ledge and pull me back up. My necklace that was hidden underneath my hoodie breaks free and comes into my view, reminding me of all the hard times and anxious feelings. The gripping of it as if could somehow protect me from danger. Soon those feelings will be forgotten.

   As I get close to the ground I can hear terrified screams of people about to witness my greatest escape. Only little do they know soon they won't exist, right? I can just faintly hear the noise of the traffic below over the noise of whooshing air in my ears. I close my eyes and grab my necklace and hold it to my chest with both hands. I'm ready. But I'm not dreaming. When I moved both my hands over to the rest of my body they settled in a position that pinched my skin hard. But I didn't wake up. I tried again thinking I imagined it. Still, I didn't wake, this wasn't happening. I'm not dreaming. But now it's too late.

Thank you so much for reading my story!❤️❤️ I have never truly written anything before so please let me know if you liked this and if I should do more 😁