HALCYON

1| The Saving Grace

"Tria, ako na ang bahala dito. Sige na magpahinga ka na," Levin warmly smiled at me then tucked loose strands of hair behind my ears. He gently took Stan from my arms and started rocking the baby in his arms. Umingit pa si Stan nang kaonti pero agad din namang tumigil nang mag-hum ang Papa n'ya.

Our son looks small and fragile in his father's arms. It always warms my heart to see them together, very contradicting yet complimenting each other.

"Babe, you go to sleep. Mamaya maghahanap na naman 'to ng gatas, hindi ka na naman makakatulog," Levin said in a commanding manner.

I sighed then I raised from the rocking chair. I went to them then I kissed Stan's foot. "Good night, my little angel," I sweetly said then I gently caressed his chubby cheek. "I love you."

Constantine or Stan, as we fondly call him, is my three months old son. He came as my saving grace and I don't know how to thank God for giving me such a blessing. He gave me hope and purpose. 

Constantine came when I was about to give up on my life. He came when my marriage was on the brink of its demise. He came when everything else were falling apart.

It was hard to tear my eyes off of him, but I know that Levin is right. I have to be healthy because I am a breastfeeding mother. I should get enough sleep and eat a healthy diet. I need to take care of myself for my son.

It didn't take me long to fall asleep. Ilang saglit lang pagkahiga ko ng kama ay nakatulog na din ako. Hindi ko namalayan na pagod at antok ako. Naalimpungatan ako nang maramdaman ang pag-ayos ng kumot sa akin. I saw Levin fixing the comforter. Mula nang magbutis ako ay naging mababaw na ang tulog ko. Kaonting galaw at ingay lang ay nagigising na ako.

"Where's Constantine?" I asked in a raspy voice.

"He's sleeping on his crib," he replied in almost a whisper then caressed my cheek. "Sleep some more. I'll sleep on the couch next to him." Levin kissed my forehead.

Hinayaan ko na tangayin ako ng antok. I know Levin will take care of our son.

I am also thankful for my husband. He's been very patient, thoughtful, and understanding of me. He accepted me during the times that I can't even look at myself. He stayed when everything fell apart. He held me when I was on my weakest. He stood on my side even those times that I was lost and confuse of everything. He held my hand when I was giving up on life. He was my smile when I lose everything. And he never left me even when all I do was to disappoint and hurt him. He played the role of a better half.

I didn't expect myself to be this lucky. We married for our businesses. Our wedding day was like a business meeting. Nagpirmahan lang kami ng kontrata at nagkanya-kanya na din. Mas matagal pa nga ang meeting kaysa sa naging kasal namin. We conceived our first child through artificial insemination. 

When everything started to fall apart for me, he was there. Levin was there to support me. He played the role of a husband. And I am grateful for that.

Madalas kaming nag-aaway noon dahil matigas ang ulo ko. Buntis ako pero pinababayaan ko ang sarili ko. I know my condition but I kept on pushing my limits. I was pregnant but I prioritized the business. And when I gave birth to a dead child, it was too late to regret everything. I snapped. And I was lost for a long time.

My family became my light. And Levin took all the responsibilities that was supposed to be mine.

I expected that Levin will walk out on me. I failed him. All those damn time. But instead of giving up on me, he stood for the both of us. I can still vividly remember how he tore the divorce papers I asked him to sign. Wala na akong silbi sa kanya bilang asawa. Our company is in the brink of its fall. I can no longer be an asset to him. Pabigat lang ako sa kanya. I can't even give him an heir. I can't even live for myself.