Words Without Songs

Words Without Songs Part I

It seems like just yesterday.  It seems like a million years ago. It was, in fact, nearly thirteen years ago.  After spending twelve years living in one religious community, I left that community and entered another.  I spent two years there, the first year being, I thought at the time, the happiest of my life.  I hardly expected to be told that I had no vocation to religious life.

As Lent began, anno domini 2000, I wrote in my journal that, for the first time, I really felt ready for Lent.  What follows are my unedited journal entries during that Lent and  Easter season; I wrote, usually, several of the short strophes each day.  Anticipating the brewing storm, I thought I would be  documenting my happy accession to God’s will for me.  Instead, I documented a time of terrible struggle and a profound change in my spiritual and world-view that continued for more than ten years. But perhaps it was all for the best.

I always have a profound sense of peace when I am kneeling in church.  I have to admit, though, that this has less to do with the quality of my inner communion with my God, and more to do with the fact that one is fairly safe, kneeling in church praying.  One can hardly get into trouble while praying in church, unless of course, one is supposed to be somewhere else....

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 We are into the daily readings from the letter of James.  Personally, I have my reservations about James.  His lists of pithy aphorisms make me think of Polonius. “Submit yourselves to God.  Resist the devil.  Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.  Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you of two minds.  Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Give many your ear but few your council.”  And so forth.  Also, according to Paul, James seems to have been a rather unpleasant fellow, not at all our image of the early Christian disciple.  Still, he is so attractively clear in what he says.

“Rejoice in trials for the testing of your faith produces perseverance...so that you may be perfect and complete.”  I remember going on a vocation retreat, shortly after finishing my two years of college.  We had a private Mass, my first experience of liturgy in a small, personal setting.  It was a spiritual ‘high’.  There were 7 of us on the retreat, and after Communion we each selected a small stone from a basket. On the bottom of each stone was a sticky label with one of the gifts of the Spirit on it.  Mine was “longsuffering”. I remember laughing at the time.  What kind of gift was that!  I had not experienced much of life at that time.

I still have the stone, and over twenty years have passed by in which I have come to see that longsuffering, or patient endurance if you prefer, has been the theme of my life.  I have had much practice, but am still far from perfection.

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Today I knelt in church before Mass, conscious of the fact that I had wasted my early morning hour of prayer in daydreams and memories.  I will try to just be here with You, I said, though You know that some of my pleasure at kneeling here has nothing to do with You.  I am just glad to be by myself in this peaceful place.  And You - how much do I know about who You are? Do You really care in particular about the little thoughts and troubles of this one insignificant person?  But I let You be just whoever You are; isn’t this humorous, me, giving permission to God.  But I in myself have to let You be just whoever You are, not who I need or want You to be.  So my prayer mantra: “Whatever.”

I forget what famous philosopher it was who said, “I accept the universe,” to which some wit replied, “He’d better!”

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