IN PAIN I FEEL SERENITY AND ACCEPTANCE. PAIN WILL ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE FROM A LIFELESS LIFE I HAD.
CAYENNE breath raggedly when she wake up from a bad dream those bad memories from the past that carve in her mind and soul. Catching her own breath she roamed her eyes finding where she is until she realized she was in her own bedroom. Scared from what happened in the past. She then start sobbed and hugged her legs reminisced those old days. A dreams that always doesn't give her a peaceful sleep. A nightmare that always makes her remember those cruel nights she has been through, make her feel menace and demised. All of her life was morbid after what happened at that night when her family killed in front of her. Everyday she cried and cried wishing, hoping that it doesn't happened, living in vain, welcome the pain to sleep, and hurt herself to felt better and lively.
Other people has reason to live but she's not one of them. She's fragile. Even those doctors said she's depressed but she's not. When a doctor visit her house those questions that doctors ask doesn't change its like a memoir everyday. How are you? Are you feel better? Do you felt pain?
Of course she's in pain but they just don't understand, other will always said she's insane. Some will judge because of what they seen not how they know and understand. Some said she need to be undergo in mental hospital to be better. But she doesn't even need that. She need pain to felt alive from a lifeless past. Everyday she's tired to keep on living, Why just I can't come with them. I need my family. I need them more than I need myself. she doesn't need to live, Living without no reason. She doesn't have anything to keep on holding on. She's just alone. Nothing. Empty. Misery. Tenuous.
A heart that tormented in pain. Tired of living with tears and nightmares.
She love darkness on how her life make sense in any way.
She is a Nyctophile person who love darkness/night.
In her condo unit all of the place in her room was dimmed, empty, and misery it's like a cage that she doesn't want to free herself. It's like she's loving herself in hell. Well I'm in hell ten years ago until now.
"Watch your father died in front of you little brat" a man with a tattoo in her neck push her dad into the wall and kicked her dad's stomach and punched her dad's face again and again until her father vomit in blood.
"Please let us go I'm begging of you" She said in a low tone with her hands trembling in so much fear as she cried and cried shouting to stop those monsters.
The night that only embrace sorrowness, scared of uncertainty and despair.
She tried killing herself to feel pain, welcome death to come, do it over and over again but still she's not complete. There's always a hole in her heart. A lose pieced that doesn't complete the puzzle to the way it was. A completely stranger to her own feelings. Overwhelming when felt the pain. Pain that always found herself and happiness. The thought of she was normal. When she was a little kid back then having a family, sharing moments, feeling of euphoria, laughter and smile plastered on the face. In just one night all of it turn into cries, scream, and blood. All of it turn into agony, misery and despair.
Those sinful hands killed my whole family. Those sinister smile make me trembled in fear.
The day that it was hopeless.
Those filthy hands that caressing my body. Make me feel dirty for myself.
After that time the doctor diagnosed she had Aphenphosmphobia.
"Such beauty" an old man said while adoring her body. Four men touching and caressing her thighs.
I felt so dirty
I felt so small
I want to kick and punch them but I am weak. So weak.
I tried to scream for help but nothing happened. Nothing changed even I call for help. It's nothing. It's useless.
"Don't touch me" She squeal.
But the man with a scars in his face slapped her face until her lips were wound. Punching her stomach. Caressing and kissing her.
She can't even move to protect herself. She want to but she can't...
I'm just nobody a nothing who doesn't can do her CAN and DOES.
Second turned to minutes. Minutes turned to Hour. But still nothing changed. She's just still here. She can't even die how much she tried to. Hour turned to day. Despised everyday that her life still go on and on. Contradict to what she wants. Day turned to Week. The more she mourning. Week turned to months. A hellish living. Months turned to year. The more her life in despair.
Years after years. Nothing Changed. Remain misery. Each by day remained the same feeling. Same wants and same nothing.
Which when the time...?
"Pain. Pain. Pain" She shouted. She quickly go down to the kitchen and start finding the knife. That pain she used to find to stop her for reminding that lifeless nights. Those callous monsters, those dirty hands. "There you are!" She muttered with a smile on her face when she found the knife. Then she grab the knife and start slitting her wrists, stomach and her thighs. "This is what I want. Pain. Blood. Demised!" as she say with bloodshot eyes. As blood were flowing from her wound as she continuously cut deep parts in her body.
"Why I can't it be happened" She say hysterically. Then she grab the doorknob in her bathroom and get in.
"I feel home" She said while looking at the ceiling and crying endlessly in a dark, silent and empty place. "This is a place where I fit in" she added and sunk down her body in the bathroom drowning in her own blood.
Blood flowing from her deep cut wounds as she lay in her bathroom. Thinking deeply. Staring nowhere. Crying and sobbing. Saying Don't touch me. Help! Help us! Your a monster.
She couldn't take anymore the dizziness before she was out of her consciousness she felt her body falling down.
I want more pain......
I want my body get tired... So I won't able to wake up for tomorrow. For I won't wait any longer to embrace my own death.
