Better Off

Nobody Compares

        I don’t sleep much that night. In fact, I don’t sleep at all. I know we played a show this evening and I should be exhausted, but I don’t feel one bit tired. I suppose I could be devastated, but I don’t shed a single tear. I don’t feel anything at all. It’s like I have become numb to all emotion. I don’t know if it’s just him, or if it’s everything. I have fans, friends, and family who love me, but for some reason their affection doesn’t comfort me at all right now. I don’t even understand why I am this way right now. We’ve never even dated. I suppose I’m just shocked. I knew it would happen sooner or later; Grant wasn’t going to wait on me forever. I just didn’t know it would happen this soon, or this way.

        Lying on my bed is pointless, since it will only remind me of him even more. It’s not like we’ve done anything on this bed, but it is here where I dreamt of him the most. In this tour bus. I visualized perfect scenarios in my head when I couldn’t sleep; I pictured his face to boost my confidence. I would often imagine little scenes while staring at this ceiling. It’s all over now. I know his girlfriend isn’t permanent or anything, but since he started dating, there’s no way he’ll ever return to being more than just friends again.

        I sit up and notice an old photo I haven’t looked at lately. It was from almost the very beginning; before Fearless, before I started dancer auditions. That day, when the photo was taken, we were hanging out at the beach with my best friend Abigail and Grant. We were planning to just go out and chill in the sun, but Grant brought along his guitar. I told him I wasn’t in the mood for playing that day and he told me I didn’t have to. The morning passed without any abnormalities. We tanned on the sand and splashed in the waves, just like friends do. Grant played some absolutely lovely melodies on his guitar, during which Abigail nudged me, giggling, and whispered, “I know you’re in love! Come on, just admit it!” and I nudged her back, telling her to shush, even though she was right: I loved him. And she knew it. Abigail knew everything, but thankfully knew when to keep her mouth shut. That was one of the many reasons why I loved her. We also went for ice cream that day. Little did we know, but the place only accepted cash and I only had a couple dollars of spare change. Grant and I shared a chocolate cone, and throughout the whole time Abigail was giving me a knowing look. I’m glad she didn’t say anything, though. She was the only one who knew about the time when I kissed Grant on the day of our first meeting. We watched the sun set at the beach, too. I had leaned against Grant and grinned at the open space. No, I wouldn’t change that day for anything. Grant may not love me anymore, but at least with him I was once happy, even if it was as just friends.