Better Off

Looking At It Now

LOOKING AT IT NOW

~~~Several years later~~~

          “That was awesome!” I high hive my band mates after we finished playing a sold out Fearless show in Dallas.

        “You were amazing!” Grant grins and hugs me.

“Sorry,” he says as he accidently pulls a lock of my hair.

“It’s fine,” I laugh and turn towards my dressing room.

“Hey, Tay,” Liz calls me over, phone in hand. “Look what I found!” And she pulls up a photo of the most adorable cat I’ve ever seen. I giggle.

“I knew you’d like it.”

        Just then I notice one of my dancers standing in the other part of the room. What is she doing here? The dancers have their own changing rooms and lounge areas. I also notice Grant standing with her, laughing about something. I attempt to hide my jealousy. After all that’s passed, my feelings for him have never gone away. I may have said that we should remain friends, but that didn’t mean that I never wished he could be mine.

        “Yes,” I hear the dancer, Claire say, “Of course! I’d love to go out with you!” and beams at Grant.

My heart just drops. This can’t be happening this soon. I know I’ve dated several guys, but I can’t just think of Grant having a girlfriend. What will happen to our ‘more than just friends’ friendship? Caitlin and Liz gasp. Surely, they weren’t expecting it either. And maybe they kind of know how I feel about him.

        But, no, I am mistaken. “Congrats, Grant!!” they say in unison and rush to hug Claire. Wow.. I really thought they were different and that they were on my side. I’ve always thought that Cait kind of knew my story about Grant. Though I’ve never mentioned it, she must’ve noticed that he’s my best friend in the band.

        Grant catches my eye and I look away. Why didn’t I notice this earlier? I ask myself. Maybe he’ll soon lose interest in her, I hoped. I remember how he always tried to ask me out in previous years. And I’ve always avoided the topic, not wanting to complicate things. So now he finally moved on. I should be happy for him and Claire, but I just can’t force myself to do it. I just always thought that he’ll be mine, even though we never dated. I must admit, I was rather selfish and maybe even mean. I had the perfect guys waiting on me, but I just kept pushing him away until he finally gave up and went to find someone new. Soon, he’ll probably forget all about me and our not-so-innocent kisses we shared as friends.

        I turn away and head to my dressing room to get changed, but just can’t get Grant off my mind. How many times has he kissed her already, like he once kissed me? “I’ll move on too,” I say out loud, hoping nobody heard me. And no one did. I am alone in the room. Most of the others are still chatting with Grant and Claire.

        The more I think about it, the more I realize, that maybe I am to blame for losing him this way. After all, I rejected him and broke his heart after we first met. I am the one who said that we should be just friends instead. I didn’t even provide a good enough explanation, though he never seemed to ask for it. I was just afraid, I suppose. Too afraid of love that I let common sense and loneliness win over that night. Then I went on and started dating Joe. Grant never said anything and congratulated me, but I don’t think he ever meant any of those things he said. Somewhere deep inside he knew that Joe would break my heart, yet he never objected when I went out with him. As I look back on it now, I’m realizing that maybe dating famous guys isn’t a good idea. Grant isn’t well-known, but he genuinely understands me. He laughs with me on my good days and cheers me up when I’m upset. At least, he used to.

        I don’t think I ever appreciated Grant enough because I thought that he’ll always be there, always single, always my best friend. And now it’s all over. Probably not all of it, but things won’t ever be the same. He has an actual girlfriend now. Even this phrase has trouble sinking in. It’s hard for me to accept the fact.

        I’m standing the in the middle of the room, with my dress half-off, as Caitlin and Liz stroll in. Thank god I didn’t permit myself to cry.

“Hey Tay!” I smile.

“Need some help with that?” asks Liz, nodding at my dress.

“Yes, please,” I reply, glad that they aren’t going to question my recent behaviour. And they don’t. But they do say something that makes me rather uncomfortable.

        “What do you think of Grant’s new girlfriend?” Caitlin brings up the event, standing at the sink, washing her face.

        “It’s about time,” responds Liz, saving me from having to answer, “I mean, he’s been single for so long. He seemed almost depressed.”

        “Yeah, agreed,” Caitlin nods.

        Oh, the things they don’t know.. I wonder if I should tell them.. don’t know. They’re my friends, but they seem to really like Claire. I don’t think it ever occurred to them to picture Grant together with me as a couple, so I keep quiet.

        “Why so quiet tonight, Tay?” Liz questions me as I silently put on my jeans. She must be referring to the recent incident where I never congratulated Grant on his accomplishment. “You, know, I’m just exhausted,” I saying, avoiding the topic altogether, “Why don’t you try performing in front of a crowd for two hours!” Caitlin laughs, but Liz doesn’t seem do buy my excuse.

        “Well, still, you’re much quieter than usual,” she presses on, “Is something wrong?” YES, EVERYTHING, I want to scream with her. The man I love most just asked someone else out and you expect me to be cheerful and enthusiastic? I shout inside my head. But, no, I can’t say that to them. They’ll think I’m out of my mind, which I kind of am.

        “No, really, everything’s fine,” I assure them and pic up my phone from the table, “I wanna go get a Starbucks,” I turn to them, “You coming?”

        “Do you think I’d ever refuse a late night trip to Starbucks?” Caitlin jokes. I smile.

        “Now that’s the Tay Tay I know and love,” adds Liz and grabs her coat.

We walk out into the cool evening air side by side. There’s a Starbucks quite close to here, so we decide to walk. We walk in silence; there doesn’t seem to be a need for words. I take this time to ponder over what they said, especially Liz. ‘Now that’s the Tay Tay I know and love,’ what did she mean by that? The fact that she only likes to be around me when I’m cheerful and outgoing or was she just joking? I don’t really think she was, despite the light expression on her face. Aren’t friends supposed to be on your side no matter what? But my band mates are Grant’s friends, too. Though, did they really just choose him over me? I never wanted there to be a moments where my friends will have to choose either me or another one of my friends. Maybe there doesn’t have to be such a moment. I’m just overreacting. No tragedy happened. My lead guitarist just asked a girl out and by coincidence she just happened to be one of my dancers. Or maybe there was no coincidence. What if they planned it all? ‘Taylor, you’re crazy,’ I stop myself before my mind wanders too far, ‘Grant would never do something like that; he’s not that kind of person.’

        I also remembered the heartbroken look on Grant’s face the next day I saw him after I sent that text. Had he been plotting revenge ever since then? A sob almost escapes my mouth, so I fake a cough instead.

        “Oh, look, we’re there,” Liz says, as if on cue, and points towards the Green sign. I sprint towards the door, I don’t even know why. Cait and Liz follow close behind.

~~~~~