Better Off

Cold Hard Ground

        I look out of the window and all I notice is the darkness. Like there’s nothing there. That is exactly how I feel inside right now. Dark and empty. I know I still have some feelings left inside of me, particularly feelings for him. If that is even possible. I’ve felt him slip away from me day, by day, and I’ve let him.

        I still don’t understand why I’m letting it bother me so much. It really shouldn’t. I’m the one who kept on pushing him away, until he finally gave up and searched the world for someone else. And found that somebody else. Now I’m left all alone with just my thoughts. I thought I had friends at least, but I’m starting to doubt that. The Agency: we’re all friends with each other, we  all have each other’s backs, we’re all equal. At least that’s what I liked to think. Except that I’m different. I’m the star and they’re my background, so no wonder I don’t always feel like I quite fit in. Even though, I know that they’re trying. Trying to understand that I love them for who they are and that I treat them like my friends and equals. I shouldn’t be too surprised that Cait and Liz were more on Claire’s side tonight. They’re happy for their fellow band member and it probably never occurred to them that there is a chance that I might be in love with him too. I should have let them know. Before it was too late. Maybe then we’d be able to discuss this as closer friends. And maybe they would’ve been able to help me with some advice.

        I need to call Abigail and fill her in on this. I’m sure she’d want to know. I pull out my phone, and then become aware of the time and the sleeping bodies around me. Tonight is not the night to allow my fear, of creatures hiding in the darkness, control me. I slowly tiptoe out of the bus, wearing nothing my pyjamas. I quickly grab a random jacket off a hook and slip on my slippers. There’s no time for actual footwear. I silently open the door and I am outside. It is chillier than I expected, but I need to talk to Abigail. I wrap the jacket tightly around my body and realize it’s Grant’s. I begin to shiver and I know it’s not from the cold.   

        She picks up after 2 rings and something tells me she knows what’s going on.

        “Taylor!”

        I flashback to the first time I talked to Grant on the phone. I remember being a nervous wreck at the time. It was the morning after I sent him that text and he was the one who called me. His voice was filled with sadness and I felt a pang of guilt. I was about to change my mind about it all, but even then something held me back. I didn’t want to be the girl that immediately began dating a guy she just met, even though I felt that there was something different about Grant. Something other guys I knew lacked. And even now, I haven’t found anyone who can quite compare with him.

        During our conversation, I remember clearly, how he cut me off while I was trying to apologize. I thought it was over then and there, but the he made a suggestion: “Maybe you’re right,” he’d said, “I think we should just be friends. This is going to be a business relationship after all.” I was so overcome with joy, that I’d completely ignored the forced cheerfulness in his voice, how he was talking while trying to fight back tears. ‘A business relationship,’ he had said. And I’d agreed that it would be amazing, without realizing that I was shattering his heart into thousands of pieces, friend zoning him. I never tried to imagine how he must’ve felt then, but I think it’s how I’m feeling right now. Like I’m as low as I could possibly be. Friend zoned by the guy I had a business relationship with, but also secretly loved.

        “Taylor?! Are you alright? Answer me!” I feel the weight of my phone in my hand and Abigail’s desperate pleas, and force myself to return to reality.

        “No,” I respond at once, “I’m not alright.”