Komahina; Over and Over

Chapter 1

  I managed to clean myself up in a timely manner, and luckily the blood easily came off the floor. Usually it would stain most surfaces, but I guess my luck was in my favor today. Well, I did think that, until I rushed out of the bathroom, and literally ran into Hajime. I didn't even think the other would be in this hallway, I was pretty sure he didn't have any classes down this way. Though it was just my luck that he would be here at this exact moment. I heard him grunt as he stumbled back and dropped his books, which he should of had in his bag, but of course he didn't! I fell over, only due to how weak I was from vomiting and the panic attack I had in the bathroom.

Hajime was... way too nice for his own good. He didn't even think to pick up his books first, stepping over to me and extending a hand. "Sorry! I was in a hurry to the theater hall... I didn't mean to knock you over." His voice sounded sickeningly sweet, then I realized, of course- that's why he was in this hallway. He was headed to Ibuki's theater club. I was thinking too hard again, and I stared at his extended hand for far too long, though I didn't take it. I scrambled to my feet weakly, brushing off my uniform, and awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck. "I-It's fine! Really!" I said, maybe, too loud. "I-It's my fault! I should- aha- be the one a-apologizing! I'm just t-trash, I g-got in your way- aha- so I'm sorry!" I started to ramble, and I barely heard him start to tell me not to say such things about myself as he picked up his books before I zoned out. "I have to get to class! Ah- bye!" I blurted out in the middle of him talking, snatching my bag off the floor and quickly walking down the hall. God, that was awkward...

It was probably a good thing that Chiaki wasn't in my class, seeing her always made me uncomfortable, probably because she was so close to Hajime. Of course he had other friends too, though he didn't look at them the way he looked at her. Maybe he likes her? Ah- thinking about it just makes me feel sick again, I don't want to think about my crush having feelings for someone else... Yet, would he even consider lowly trash like me a friend? Let alone a lover.. I just need to try harder to get close to him. Maybe I can practice what to say? Yeah, that sounds good. I guess I was too lost in my own thoughts to hear my teacher calling my name, because I jumped as his hand slammed down onto my desk, my eyes shot upwards to meet his.

"Komaeda! Are you even listening?" He narrowed his eyes at me, and at that point I could tell he was done with my crap. I averted my gaze and let out a half nervous awkward laugh, retracting my hands from atop the desk and resting them in my lap. "Of course I am..." I lied, and even though I didn't lie a lot, I was pretty good at it. "Then answer the question I just presented to the class, Komaeda." He spoke firmly, nose a bit scrunched up, and I must of looked dazed out of my mind because he could obviously tell I wasn't listening to a word of his lecture, nor the question he asked. "Aha, oh, um-" I barely muttered out, pressing my hands together as I tried to think of something to say, anything, an excuse, or a vague answer that may possibly get me by. Though after a long bit of silence, basically me just trying to buy time, Hiyoko scoffed from her seat a few desks away. "Don't even bother getting his answer. Even if he was listening, his brain is too empty to give a good answer. Let me answer it for you."

The teacher seemed too fed up to keep prodding me about not listening, spitting something about how I'm going to fail if I don't pay attention, though I was barely listening. I tried my best to pay attention for the rest of the class, though it was hard, my mind just kept wandering back to Hajime. I probably freaked him out earlier, but I panicked, which I often do around him, only because he makes me feel so weird. If I had actual friends to talk to about this, maybe it would be easier to deal with, even telling my therapist might help but I haven't seen her in months. I can't even remember how many months its been, honestly I started getting tired of her telling me things. Like how I needed to put myself out there more and try to make more friends. Saying things like if I distracted myself from my terrible thoughts, it would definitely help. I think she thinks I'm not trying hard enough, but I am! I'm trying so hard, its wearing me out. I could talk to my foster parents, but... I think sometimes they don't really like me.