Komahina; Over and Over

Prologue

Over, and over..

Over, and over..

I fall for you..

I look in the cloudy mirror of the Academy bathroom, sighing loudly as I study the features of my face. My grey-green eyes are bloodshot, obviously from lack of sleep and from thinking too much. It's something I do often. Thinking about my grades, thinking about the people around me, and especially thinking about a certain boy I like. I think about him way too much, I can't stop thinking about him in fact... His green eyes, his tan skin and freckles, how soft yet spiky his hair looks, and his smile- oh, that smile. His name is Hajime Hinata and he's a Reserve Course student, yet he makes me feel so wonderfully strange, and sick to my stomach at the same time. A feeling I'd only ever expect of another Ultimate, considering all Ultimates were above me but... Reserve Course students were certainly... below me. I thought he would be the same, after all no-one but an Ultimate could possibly make me feel this way, right?

I was wrong. Oh, so wrong. Everything about him is just perfection, and I'm disgusted with myself for feeling so attracted to someone who was talentless. I couldn't help it. I couldn't avoid him, despite us only having a few classes together, we saw each other constantly. Either walking across campus, or in the cafeteria, where Ultimates and Reserve Course students were separated. Though Chiaki just had to invite Hajime to sit with her, which meant I was at the table next to them, and how I hated it. He made her giggle, and she shared her games with him, and they were always enjoying themselves, and I just had to abandon my lunch and head straight to the bathroom. I usually vomit, hard and rough, until the back of my throat stings and every time I swallow it burns like hot coals were sliding down my esophagus. 

In fact, that just happened. Again. It's been happening so much, I honestly lost count of just how many times it's happened. Only this time it was exceedingly worse. Because they were perhaps, being too friendly, so friendly that I almost didn't make it to the bathroom on time. I can recall the conversation perfectly, as it painfully replays in my mind..

"You should come over again, Hajime! We still need to finish that game."

"Yeah, we do. We don't spend enough time together.. Oh! I almost forgot, I wanted to tell you, I joined Ibuki's theater club. She was really nice about it, she said she heard great things about me from you... haha.. thanks for putting in a good word. I'm not that great of an actor though."

"That's great! I was hoping my words helped convince her. And sure you are! You're a little rough around the edges, but I wasn't all that good either, until Ibuki helped me. You should audition for the current play she's putting together. I'm sure you could get the lead male actor role, I'd love if you did, considering I'm the lead female actor!"

"Oh, really? Well, if you're a lead actor too, I'll sure try. It might be fun."

I could see the hint of a blush on both their cheeks, and I guess that's what triggered the bile in my stomach to rise into my throat so quickly. Was I jealous? Most likely, that had to be the answer, though I really couldn't understand why. I couldn't understand why I was so infatuated with Hajime, why just seeing him made my heart beat faster and made me sweat, why seeing him with anyone else made me sick. I barely had the guts to talk to him, and when I did, I sounded so obviously nervous he usually seemed uncomfortable, though maybe if I kept trying... Yes, I'd have to keep trying. Maybe if we were friends, I wouldn't feel this awful lonely feeling when he was around other people. Maybe we could go places, and hang out like normal people, maybe I could graduate to sitting with him and Chiaki, maybe...

My head started to spin again, and my eyes fixed on the dirty sink, hands pressed into the sides and nails scratching at the porcelain. I had, yet again, sent myself into another panic attack, my breathing became erratic as I swayed back and forth- trying to ground my heels into the floor as if it was dirt and not tile. Though no matter how hard I tried to steady my breathing, to calm myself down, I ended up sinking to the dirty floor anyway. Tears threatened to escape after pooling at the corners of my eyes, I didn't even realize I was rocking, boney legs hugged to my chest. This happened a lot too, though more and more, after seeing Hajime so many times- it seemed like a regular thing. And as if, on cue, my inner thoughts, those demonic voices in my subconscious came out to play.

Worthless.

Trash.

Disgusting filth.

No one will ever like you.

Hajime will never like you.

He hates you.

He hates you.

He hates-

The loud ringing of the school bell snapped me back to reality, and I looked down, hand shaking as I pulled that razor away from my wrist. I did it again. I made myself bleed. I didn't even realize I put that razor in my pocket this morning, how many times did I tell myself not to? I don't remember doing it, but I had to of, because here we are... a bloodied razor and a pool of pink on the floor. It wasn't that bad, thankfully, and my sleeves were rolled up, arm extended, so it wasn't on my clothes. All I had to do was wash it off and clean up the floor, and grab the bandages from my bag, and it would be like it never happened. I... have to start seeing my therapist again... but right now, I need to get to class...

-----------

A/N:

BOOM some painful shit for ya'll to read

I haven't written in first person in forever, so sorry if its... bad. Also idk how I did writing Komaeda like this, apologies if its OOC oop

I hope you liked the beginning to this probably very scarring story,,, this hurt to write,,,