Hurt

Chapter 2

{Jillian's Journal entry}

‘Dear Journal, 

I've talked to Nathan many of times but I haven't told him about what has happened over the years. Once I tell him, I don't know how he will react. When Nathan left my life hit rock bottom. Bullying got worse and even stress has gotten worse. I don't think I can do this anymore. I wish this would all be over and the world would end. When sitting here in the dark crying wishing I had someone to talk to I'm writing in this book that I hope no one ever reads. I have done things I regret but I can't take them back. When I look at myself I see a worthless girl. I see this girl with all flaws! The only person I feel like I can be myself is when I’m around Nathan, no one else. I wish I could see him more.’

"Oh my god! I never knew Jillian was feeling this way! Why hasn't she told me about any of this? I hope she is alright. How do I know she is ok? I need to be there for her more. I’ll just talk to when she wakes up,” Nathan thought as he read the entry.

Nathan walked to my bed and sat down next to me. 

"I never knew you felt this bad, why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been here holding you and telling you everything is going to be ok. Jillian I wish you would tell me these things before this comes to the point of no return."

The next morning I woke up before Nathan did. I made breakfast and a cuppa. When he woke he looked like that moody teenager I know. As we were eating breakfast he kept looking at me funny, I didn't know why though. After breakfast Nathan went to take a shower, so I went to find my journal and write in it. My journal has been moved to a different spot. “

"Oh my god. Oh no! Did Nathan Read this?" The questions poured into my head. "Maybe that's why he was looking at me weird."

{Jillian's Journal Entry}

‘Dear journal 

Today is the day I'm going to have to tell Nathan what is going on. My head is telling me no but my heart is telling me yes. How do I choose between my head and heart?

 I sit with Nathan wishing he knew my pain but really no one knows what is going on. I keep these emotions bottled up. These emotions in me try to come out the pain inside me is too much to bear. I really want Nathan to know but will he be mad I didn't tell him? What have I done? I'm not even the same person I was before he left. I've changed.’

Nathan had just gotten out of the shower and he thought it would be funny to splash water at me. "Jillian, look behind you!" He splashed me with the water.

"Nathan, my nice pajamas!" I had a water bottle in my hand and poured it all over him.  "GOT YA!" Nathan looked at me in a playful way "nicely."  

{A Couple Hours Pass}

It was about two pm and Nathan had a bag for me. He handed it to me and told me I was going to wear this to the interview and concert.

 "What is it Nath?"

 "Just open it," he said with a smile on his face

It was a slim purple dress and black heels.

 "’How am I going to wear this? I can't show my body like this,’ I thought to myself. I ended up having an anxiety attack.

Nathan ran to me and looked worried. "Jillian are you OK? Jillian, Jillian, Babe,” is all I heard before I blacked out.

A couple minutes later I woke up not knowing what was going on. "Jillian are you ok? Tell me the truth." 

"Nathan I wish I could tell you but I can't. I'm afraid, Nathan, I don't know what to do." 

He looked at me with a sincere face 

"Jilly, what did I tell you when I left? I am always a phone call away. You have to trust me! I don't want anything happening you. You’re my world and nothing can change that." 

"Get my journal Nath please." 

He opened a page and started reading. 

‘Dear Journal, my life has turned to complete hell since Nathan has left. I can't even look at myself in the Mirror without thinking I'm fat or ugly. I feel worthless and helpless sometimes. I sometimes am in the dark but I can't find my way out.’

"Jilly, what's going on?" Nathan said as hear teared up from what he had read.

‘I sit in my room every night crying because I have no one except Nathan. He is everything I have. When I see him on TV or hear him on the radio I can't help it but cry. I will never be enough for him. I'm probably worthless to him than I am to anyone else. Take me out of the misery before Nathan finds out.’

Nathan came over to me and put his hands on my face.  

I looked at him, blurry vision.  

"You are beautiful and you need to realize that! It breaks my heart to see you like this. It hurts that I didn't know you were hurting this bad. I just need to know if you're ok." 

As I tried to get up, he made me sit. 

"Nothing is ever ok with me... I mean look at me! I see nothing except flaws!" 

He bought me to a mirror and told me to pick out everything I didn't like. 

I started naming everything. 

"Face, eyes, legs, thighs, body, etc." 

I left and sat in the corner of my bed Nathan stayed in the bathroom. 

"Oh Jilly, I can't even imagine what you’re going through.”