uhhhh

can i be close to you

you're slow dancing with him, in the middle of an empty room that looks as if it's been gutted, light shining through the break in the curtains. A song plays far in the distance,

i promise you this,
i'll always look out for you,
yeah that's what i'll do.

then your eyes open, the feeling of inadequacy spreads all over your body, into your fingertips, and down your spine.

you fall to your bed, your gaze lying straight ahead at the window.

you want out. you can feel it.

you close your eyes again, this time you can gage his presence, strong enough to make everything around you bright shades of pink and softened reds. sunspots dance around the room, he spins you. you feel weightless again.

vibrant red hair, pale freckled skin, these light brown eyes that draw you in and hold onto every breath you let escape, not letting you go. he smells like a campfire, like a home cooked meal, like everything you've never had and everything you've ever wanted. you could stay forever here, in this reality.

but you open your eyes again, to the depressing four corners of this room. do you even belong? you want nothing more than to be ejected from this cruel, colorless place, you want nothing more than to be held in his arms, to have your value measured again, to be validated.

you do not belong in either realities, in this dark one, or the one where it all worked out, where you were worth it- where you meant something.

you are inadequate now, not worth looking at. nothing much to see.

my heart is yours,
it's you that i hold onto,
yeah that's what i'll do.

you close your eyes again, this is where you'd like to stay, now. this reality where it's all different, where the sunspots dance to the beat of the song, keeping pace with you and him. where you are in his arms again, where he can never leave you again.

(a/n- when "you" is said, obviously i do not mean you, reader, literally🥺 i love u, take care of urself, this is only a vent post which is why it's so incoherent)