Roses [h.s]

Chapter 14

"So, tell me, how was your date?" I ask Chloe, coming around the kitchen island and setting the bowl of pasta we'd made onto the table. She follows behind me with the bottle of wine and two glasses.

"It was really nice," Chloe says as she sits down and starts pouring us a glass each while I serve the pasta. We've done this so often that it's become practically second nature, on the nights when neither of us were working or had plans, we would always make sure we sat and ate dinner together, so we could catch up with each other. It was nice, nostalgic almost, like the days mum and I would have dinner together when I came back from college, where we could pretend that she didn't have cancer, and things were fine. "She's cute, kind, funny ... I really like her, I think. She does this thing where like, she'll start telling a funny story, but she'll start laughing before she even says anything. It takes her like 20 minutes rather than 5 to tell the story. It's adorable."

Chloe is smiling absentmindedly as she picks at her food, and I can't help but smile seeing her so happy. I've always felt like I've been a drain on her since I came back, like I've taken over her life and have stopped her from living hers. She hasn't really dated while I've been here, and so seeing her getting out there and actually being with someone who she likes, it makes me happy. Proud almost.

"She works at the bookstore, yeah, and every time I see her, she always gives me a new book that she thinks I'll enjoy,"

"Chloe that's kind of adorable."

"Yeah it is." She says with another absent smile, which falls slightly as she thinks. "I just, I don't know, I hope I'm not going about this too fast or something. I really want this to work out, whatever it is, but I don't want to like get ahead of myself."

"Just go with the flow, see what happens. Don't overthink it." I'm well aware of the irony of me giving her relationship advice when the longest relationship I've ever been in is my friendship with Harry who I may or may not be in love with. Oh. I take a sip of wine, trying to ignore the fact that I'd just reminded myself about that mess.

"What's happening with this music video deal?" Chloe asks me, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Well, we've finished filming now. From what I heard it might be out in maybe a week or two, I'm not really sure."

It goes silent for a moment, a good silence where neither of us feels pressured to say anything. We've always been this comfortable around each other, for as long as I can remember. Being in each other's presence was enough for us, it was like me and Harry. I sigh to myself as I think of him again. He just seems to keep popping into my head now, with the smallest prompt. I could be watching a show, and the way that a character is clasping their hands together reminds me of him. Or maybe I'll hear a song and think about how it would be nice if he covered it. I gulp down a mouthful of wine and turn to Chloe who's peacefully eating her pasta.

"Okay, so." I say, pausing for a moment to try and decide if I should actually say anything. Chloe immediately puts down her fork, and looks up at me, pulling her glass toward her because she knows that nobody starts off a sentence like that unless they have something important to say. I know I can't back out now, so I swallow and get to the point. "I think that I might have a – that maybe I have a slight crush on Harry."

"Really?" She says it in a way that makes it seem like I haven't shocked her at all, like she's known for months. Which can't be, because like, it's only been a week or so. Right? She smiles as she takes a sip of her wine. "You think?"

"Chloe. This is serious."

"I know. I'm just surprised it took you this long to say anything. Are you going to do anything about it?"

"He's my best friend, if I say anything it'll just ruin everything that we've been working so hard to fix." I sigh and put down my empty glass, resisting the temptation to rub my temples like I'm in some day-time soap opera. "It's only because we've been spending so much time together. I just – if he never came back, I could've gone on feeling angry with him and wouldn't have to worry about this, this stupid crush."

"You don't mean that, you're just being dramatic."

I look up at Chloe, trying to seem determined but I know she's right. It just feels like these feelings threaten everything. I can go on pretending that they don't exist, and always have those moments when he calls me his friend, where I feel like my heart will just stop beating. Or I can tell him and make things so awkward between us that he stops seeing me and then I lose one of the last few people I have in my life. Either choice is pretty bad, but I still think I'd prefer the first one.

"I just don't know what to do."

"Well, if you're asking for my advice, then I say that you tell Harry." The fact that she says this in all seriousness makes my eyes almost fall out of my head. "Don't look at me like that. Being all secretive and shit is childish. You're an adult, tell him that you think that you have feelings for him but that you just want to be friends if that's all he wants. But I think that he's probably in the same boat."

I scoff at this. Harry Styles, liking me? Uh-huh yeah, because we live in a world where pigs fly. Chloe narrows her eyes at me, but I just look down and pick at my pasta.

"So, what do you plan on doing then? Just ignoring your feelings?"

"Well, yeah." I say, less confident in that choice now that she's said it with such a contemptuous tone. Did she really think that I could tell him? Do I look like I enjoy inflicting pain on myself? To tell Harry that I like him and then have him reject me would hurt more than anything else I could do to myself. The first time he left me I was a wreck, and to lose his friendship again? I couldn't handle that. So, I'd rather pretend that everything is fine, that nothing has changed, because that way at least, I know for certain that he'll always be in my life. "Chloe how can I possibly, actually, love him, after everything he's done? I forgive him sure, but he left me, and he let me down when I need him the most. How can I be certain that he won't do that again if things get tough? What if I tell him that I'm – that I'm in love with him, and he just leaves me again? I'd rather just ignore it all together, and soon things will just go back to normal."

"People change Maddy. He's not the same kid he was when he made those decisions. If you ignore this, you're just going to end up hurting yourself. What if the feelings don't go away and you end up having to watch Harry fall for someone else?"

"And what if I tell him and then he just rejects me?"

"What if he doesn't?"

I stop with my fork in mid-air. I'd be lying if I said that the thought had never crossed my mind, although it had always been less of a thought and more of a dream, a wish. That I'd tell Harry that I love him, and he would smile at me and ask what took me so long and then he'd lean forward and -. But it's just a dream, just a thought, and dwelling on it will do nothing but disappoint me, because there is no way that that could happen.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

From the corner of my eye I can tell that Chloe still does, but when I pour myself another glass of wine that almost immediately disappears, she sighs and picks up her fork again. We eat in silence for a moment, until Chloe finds another topic to talk about, and then we finish our meal with this conversation at the back of my mind.