wish i didn't love you

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max and mike had made out the night previous and they were in a bed together when max woke up. when she opened her eyes they spotted the raven haired boy laying in front of her and she felt a huge pain of regret. she knew what they were doing was wrong and as far as he knew they were just "fuck buddies" since el was out of state but little did he know that max was quite hopelessly in love with him, whether she would admit it to herself or not. and she hated it so much because she knew he would never love her back and that what they were doing was just for both of their entertainment and it wouldn't turn into anything serious. 

"i wish i didn't love you," she muttered quietly out loud as she admired his handsome face and slowly got out of the bed. as she worked on getting her pants and shirt back on she heard him mumble, "what did you say?" max hesitated and stopped as she stared out the window, not wanting to repeat what she had actually said. 

"nothing," she said, pretending to act like he was crazy so he would think he just heard things because he was half asleep. "max, i heard you say something. what was it?" he tried again, becoming persistent. she heard him sit up and she wanted to leave more in that second and contemplated going out the window but knew he would probably stop her before she could. she got her shirt on and was now putting her hair into a ponytail, still facing away from him. she was stalling as she didn't want to look at him, face him. 

after a minute once she got her hair up and put her arms down she felt him wrap his arms around her as he rested his chin on one of her shoulders. his hands grabbed hers and rubbed her palms soothingly. in moments like this she couldn't help but feel that he truly loved her like she loved him and that they were actually a couple. she knew that wasn't the case and she wished he wouldn't be so gentle with her because she didn't want false hope that he loved her too. 

"max come on," he said to her softly, she could hear the pleading in his voice. in a way he sounded worried. after a moment she pulled his arms off of her and stepped away from him, turning around and looking him in the eyes. he gave her a curious look as he rose an eyebrow. "do you really want to know what i said?" she asked him seriously. 

at those words he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he seemed to become worried about what she had said. he nodded anyways though and said, "yes." max took in a deep breath then said as she released it, "i wish i didn't love you." mike's expression changed to shock for a half a second before changing to a mix of pity and regret. max looked away from him, hating seeing the look he had. 

a moment later she felt him walk closer to her again and he put a hand under her chin to make her turn her head and look up at him. she was tempted to pull away but didn't, she wanted to know what he wanted to say, good or bad. "as do i," he said back very softly, almost inaudibly. max gave him a confused look as she looked him in the eyes, holding a steady gaze. he didn't say anything else as he kissed her gently on the lips, a kiss that proved he loved her too. 

***

idk what this one is, sorry 😅 with me doing school in person now i probably won't update as much now so sorry about that too in advance if i disappear and not update in like a month or something 

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