Letters to Aiden

Chapter One

Chapter 1

My Dearest Aiden,

This past week has been the hardest week I have ever had to experience. I don't quite know how to go on with my life without you in it. What am I supposed to do now? It was supposed to be you and me – forever. Well baby, "forever" has been taken away from me. I am so alone and so scared. Why did you leave me? Why didn't you love me enough to stay with me?  All I want to do now is die, maybe then we can be together again.

Your funeral was yesterday. I don't remember much about the funeral, but that is no surprise. There is a lot of the past week that I do not remember. I think I had to go through the line three times at your viewing before the reality hit me that you were the one lying in that coffin. They dressed you in a suit that made you look handsome but whomever fixed your hair parted it wrong. I wanted so badly to take my fingers and fix it but I know that would have caused a bit of a commotion. As it was, I caused enough of a scene myself but I had to give you one last kiss. I had to be able to say goodbye in my own way. Mom says that I needed closure. I tried, but I will never have that closure. It may have been your body lying in that coffin, but it wasn't you. Your body was so still, and cold. I will never get that image of you out of my head. It was not the Aiden I know, rather, the Aiden I knew. The Aiden I knew was warm, loving, and full of life. 

During the funeral I couldn't bring myself to sit up front with your parents. It didn't feel right. I know they are mourning their loss, the loss of their only child. Your mom is devastated and I doubt your dad has drank anything but beer during the last week. I wish I could have a drink. Mom will not let me be alone. I guess she is scared that I will try to hurt myself. She just doesn't understand the pain I am going through. Hell, I can't even understand the pain I am going through. I have never had to endure these types of feelings before in my life.

David was there, at the funeral. He sat up front with your parents. He should have never been able to sit with them. It just didn't seem right. In fact, nothing about this entire situation seems right. How is it that David survived the accident and you didn't? He looked like hell up front sitting in a wheelchair, and he has been acting strange; almost as if he is hiding something. What am I missing? I just cannot shake this feeling that something is off.

No matter what, Aiden, I want you to know that I will always love you. I love you more than you could have ever imagined and, truth be told, this hurts more than anyone will ever know. I feel so guilty. I should have been with you. I should have never went with Amy and Amy. If I had been with you, this never would have happened. This is all my fault; my fault for abandoning you and our plans to go out. Why did I have to change our plans? Why didn't I just go meet with you instead of heading home that night? I should have gone to you, but I didn't and now I will never get to see you again. I will never get to hear your voice, feel your touch, or hear your heartbeat. When I got home that night, something wasn't right and I knew it. I couldn't sleep at all, and when I did finally fall asleep, I didn't sleep well. In fact, I had nightmares most of the night. I woke up crying the next morning; even before I called your house. Before I ever knew anything had happened.

Was it you, Aiden? Did you come to me in my sleep to warn me of what I would wake to? Were you trying to prepare me for what was to come? If that was it, thank you, but I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for what was to come. I just wish you knew how much this hurts. No, actually I would never wish this pain on anyone. It hurts so much. I just want to curl up in a ball on the bed and sleep. I want to sleep forever and never wake up because then I will have to come to terms that you are not here. In fact, you will never be here with me again. Ever! Why can't I just die?