Letters to Aiden

Chapter 4

Aiden,

I fucked up. I fucked up so fucking bad. I just needed an escape. I wanted to feel something other than the empty void I have been carrying around lately. I'm sorry. Damn, I am so sorry that I betrayed you. I really have no excuse for my actions but I will maintain that I was high. I tried something I have never tried last night and it took the pain away. It took everything I have been feeling lately completely away and for those hours, I didn't hurt.

I know I should have never let Hunter and Jackson talk me into snorting those lines but the weed isn't working. I needed something to block the pain. Boy did I find it. Even with snorting that first line it was like everything evaporated and I was back to the void that I had been in when mom was feeding me Valium. It felt so nice. It was an escape from my reality. An escape from all of this pain I have been feeling.

What happened next is where I truly fucked up. They were just trying to help me feel better. They started it and while I know I should have stopped it immediately, I didn't. It felt so good. Finally having someone touch me again like you used to. I could close my eyes and imagine it was you kissing me. It was you caressing me. It was you making love to me. I got lost in the sensations, in the euphoria, in the memory of the things you used to do to me. For those few hours, I never lost you and it felt good.

When I woke up this morning, I thought I was going to be sick. I was naked and wrapped around two of our best friends and everything came rushing back. What I did. Oh my God! I am such a slut. I wasn't a good girlfriend. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me.

I put my journal down and head to the bathroom to take a shower. I have an hour before I have to leave for work and I thank my lucky stars that I am working this weekend. Hopefully, we will be busy and I won't have to think about how fucked up my life is without Aiden.

Of course, my fucked up life just keeps throwing me curve balls. I started my period this morning. I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse. It's probably a blessing since I can't seem to stop doing drugs. If I had been pregnant then the baby would have suffered. It's just that I hadn't had by period since before Aiden died.

Part of me wondered if what I had said that day in the dining room hadn't taken root. I had told Aiden that I would love a child with him so that I would have a part of him if something happened to him. If only I knew then what I know now. How did I know he wouldn't be with me much longer? Was someone trying to tell me something? Maybe I didn't get pregnant with our slipup because God or another higher power knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Who knows? All I know is until this morning I had been subconsciously wishing I were pregnant. Wishing I would still have a part of Aiden and not just the cherished memories I have and the overwhelming pain and heartbreak I suffer each and every day.

That crazy heartbreak and pain led me to where Ifound myself yesterday morning. For the first hour I swear I was in shock. Ihad sex with two of my and Aiden's best friends. And that was all after Imanaged to sink so low I allowed myself to snort cocaine. What the hell iswrong with me?