the heart wants what it wants | sooshu

bold and blue

The coast is clear.

Soojin quietly tiptoed out of her bed, the floor boards creaking in her room as she quickly threw on her slippers, grabbing a sweatshirt and her keys before slowly exiting her room window, repelling onto the rope in which she had used to lift herself down lightly onto the ground. She checked the door multiple times, before sighing in relief, rushing over to her car and starting the ignition; and she was off.

She quickly navigated through the woods, ignoring the chirps of the crickets and instead allowing the brisk and cool air to seep into her skin, a breathy sigh escaping her mouth before she smiled with content, laying down the blanket she had previously grabbed out of her trunk onto the grass, just before the cliff. Her body collapsed from underneath her, the cool dew hitting her back in fervor as she laid there still for a minute, her hands tracing the constellations in the nighttime sky above.

Athena Serpentis. My favorite one.

This was Soojin's haven, her safe place, the one space where she could avoid the ridicule, avoid the rules, and avoid the fact that her parents wouldn't ever accept her for who she really was; would she really have to hide forever? She had asked herself that question everyday, to the point where it had become one of rhetorical importance, her subconscious assuming that she would be granted an answer one day, to possibly her biggest problem of all.

She didn't know who she really was. There was no purpose in her life, only to live for her parents, to live the life that they had planned out for her. The church approved, so that had to mean it was meant of her, right?

Soojin didn't like church; she didn't like religion. It bothered her that religion was used to justify so much, even going as far as to hate someone for their sexual orientation, to hate her, just because she fancied girls over men.

And even as much as it bothered her, angered her, because that wasn't right, she still couldn't shake off that feeling of indifference, of that her parents could be right, that they knew what was best for her. It was because she didn't know, that made her so damn confused. It was because she had no idea who she was, or what she stood for, that allowed her to be swept up by the current.

Would she ever really find out what happiness meant? Of course, it was subjective in nature; successfulness can be defined in many different aspects, and Soojin just wanted to love, to be loved. Was she capable of love if she was a disgrace, disregarding all she's learned just for teenage impulses? Just because she felt the gravitational need to be close to a girl instead of a boy?

What if she really was a disgrace? What if she was the lowest of the low, a poor, dirty scumbag who succumbs to her deepest desperation? She asked herself these questions all of the time, and she frustrated herself with every time in which she couldn't give herself an answer.

She ignores the scolding voices of her parents in her head, telling her that she won't ever be enough, that she wasn't worth anything, because she was in her haven, and she was safe for now.

That's all that matters at the moment.

+++

"Listen, I'm not sure what you did last night, but you gotta wake up Jin. Your parents are gonna catch you snoozing any second now and I don't want any part of Seo Hanbin's murder demonstration." Minnie elbowed her in the ribs, Soojin groaning before opening her eyes.

She had fallen asleep in church, yet again. She quickly smoothed out her dress, clearing her throat as she flashed a bright, fake smile towards her parents, who mirrored her expression back towards her.