i knew a boy and a boy

habit

TW: implied suicidal thoughts and self harm. please stay safe luvs and if you EVER need anything don't hesitate to message me. i love you all <3

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it's been years since i've seen him. since both break ups. me and harry and the band. the band is more of a hiatus. me and harry are not. i ended things. i thought it would be better for the two of us. but now i regret that. i haven't spoke to him since then. the lads say he seems fine and that hurts deeply. if what we had was real how could he be fine? i'm still broken over it.

after days of pacing my house, i decided i'd write him a letter. a letter to tell him how i feel. but will i sent it to him? no. no, that's just stupid. he wouldn't care. like the lads said, he's fine. and that means i'm fine. if he's happy so am i. but i'm not.

i took a seat at my desk. took out paper and a pen. and i began to write.

dear harry,

i always said i'd mess up eventually. i told you that, so what did you expect from me? i know you said you'd give me another chance, but you haven't come back yet.

i think we both knew that mentally he was already out the door. and i never thought giving up would be so hard.

i didn't think we would go so long without talking. all i can do is think about you and it hurts. i miss you. i'm missing you and your addictive heart. it's like you're some fucking habit. the habit i can't break. the feeling i can't put down.

never in a million years did i think i'd be writing a letter to the man i love, years after our break up. i thought we would make it. and the fact we didn't hurts me deeply. it has been tough. the countless battles with those thoughts. the thoughts that no one needs me anymore. that no one would miss me anymore. the on and off being clean and then not clean.

you. you are the high i need right now. the shiver j can't shake. all because of my dumb ass mistake. i wish i was more like you. thinking before you speak. staying calm until you have a reason to not be. you thought i'd never need you again.

i'll always need him. in front of me. i miss him dearly. waking up without him beside me is something i never imagined. and i'm tired of playing someone i'm supposed to be to the media. like someone who is happy. in a relationship with elevator. when in reality i'm broken.

it's been ages haz. different stages we're performing on. i hate it. i hate not seeing you every day and night. i miss you. you were my hazza. and now you're just gone. i never expected this. i never wanted this. i'm sure you think what happened between us was fake because in pap pics i seem fine. but i promise i'm not fine. i'm fucking broken harry. but you wouldn't care. because the lads say you said you're fine and you moved on. and that hurts. it hurt. it all hurts. i've struggled. struggled to stay clean. struggled to stay happy. but you don't care. you never will. why would you? i'm just me. there's nothing special about me.

at this point i didn't care if he knew or not. it's better it he knows. but now i don't want to send it to him. because i might just make a fool of myself.

i was out of control and i'm sorry that i let you down. i realized something. i was better with you. and i miss you now.
love,
louis tomlinson ◟̽◞̽

and with the decision of it on my mind, i fell asleep. right there. at my desk.

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i woke up the next day. picked up the letter. folded it. stuck it in the envelope. now to get harry's address.

louis: hey niall, what is harry's address. i need to send him something.

niall: he's staying with liam. send it to his address.

louis: thank you lad. you're the best.

and so i took out my pen and wrote harry's name. wrote liam's address. put a stamp on it. and put it in my mailbox. and now all i'll be able to do is think about harry. harry harry harry.

i mailed it out. and now, we wait.

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(a few days later)

INCOMING CALL...
HAZZABEAR🐻

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hey y'all, i know this one is short but i wanted to get it out since i can't write for the next few days and i don't want to keep you guys waiting. i love you all <3 and if you ever need anything don't be afraid to message me on twitter. my @ is tttpwk :)