𝕴 𝖂𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝖄𝐎𝐔 - 𝖖𝖚𝖊𝖊𝖓 𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖍𝖔𝖙𝖘

𝖎

𝕳𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝕱𝐎𝐑 𝕰𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄

❛ 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖘𝖊 𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖉𝖆𝖞𝖘 𝖔𝖋
𝖈𝖗𝖚𝖊𝖑 𝖗𝖊𝖏𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 ❜

in which john visits brian one year after freddie's death. pretty heavy angst.

⊹

𝐀 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐒𝐇 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐃 whipped against john's flushed face, tousling his short curls atop his head. his cheeks stung from the bitter cold surrounding him, snowflakes pelting against his soft skin, leaving in their wake a cold so bitter it felt searing. he shuddered violently as an array of melted snowflakes trickled down his back in a stone cold stream, the icy cold of the blizzard seeping into his bones as the snow fell harder.

john picked up his pace, his steps thundering against the wet pavement, legs trembling under his weight as a dull ache shot up his spine from the impact of his feet upon the slick, cold concrete. snow fell from his eyelashes as he blinked back his tears, but to no avail - they fell in small, dewy droplets, cascading down his cold-burnished cheeks before turning rigid upon contact with the crisp air.

guilt tore at his insides, harsher and more cruel than his pain, wrenching a sob from his throat as his sprint lulled into a languid jog. the admittance of his mistake alone caused a queasy feeling to settle deep in his stomach, his gut churning with the scarring feeling of remorse and terror.

in a selfish daze, he'd spent his entire day caught up in his own sorrow, too bitter to think about others, and too listless to bring himself to care — he'd completely forgotten that it wasn't just him who freddie's passing had left grieving, feeling empty and helpless.

it'd never occured to him that he wasn't alone in his endless battle to simultaneously forget as well as remember freddie.

and then it had hit him like a freight train.

brian.

though left unsaid between them, they'd indisputably drifted apart throughout the past six years, and john found he couldn't exactly pinpoint the last proper conversation he'd had with the guitarist - the only ones he had recollection of in his hazy, dazed state were all dishonest, empty words, fuelled solely by business and feigned courtesy as opposed to genuine feelings.

and, as their disagreements and quarrels increased in number as much as they did in fervour, john soon came to realise that brian just simply didn't need him in his life. and it hurt.

he hadn't needed him, as long as he'd had his freddie.

freddie had brought brian happiness when no-one else could, and like no-one else could —  he had gently coaxed brian through his lowest, and seen him soar in his highest, becoming an irreplaceable factor in the curly-haired's life, and john's heart ached with the memory of the pure admiration he'd so often seen in the singer's eyes as he talked about their guitarist.

but now brian's dearly-loved freddie was gone, irreplaceably departed, and never to return.

without him, brian needed someone, and, with roger being out of town, john was the only person left — john, plain as bread pudding; john, who had never played a significant role in brian's life; john, the wallflower, a pretty accessory in brian's social status, but otherwise left feeling completely useless.