𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄

[𝟐𝟎] 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡

I decided that I wanted to... I don't know, research ED's. And because youtube is youtube, I got sucked into the black whole that is youtube videos about other people's experiences with eating disorders. And well, after a good few hours of crying, decide it's best that I get up.

I wipe the back of my hand over my cheeks and look at the time in the top left corner of my laptop. 1:39 AM.

I pull my blankets off of my body and pull my door open, making my way down the hall. I don't know what the hell I'm doing but suddenly I understand everything again.

I knock on my dad's door. "Daddy?"

"Come in." He calls back groggily. He sits up, switching on the light on his nightstand. His face softens at my expression. "What's wrong, baby?"

Crawling up onto his bed, I slide under the blankets, snuggling into his side like I used to when I was a kid. Fuck, I wish I was a kid.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask him. He looks down at me, confusion laced in his aging features.

"Why would I be mad at you?" He says, pulling me up with him as he sits up straighter. I sniffle, ready to let it all go when the door swings open. Our eyes snap up to see Ray in a huge blanket making her way to the bed. She crawls on, stumbling on her knees as she snuggles into the other side of my dad's side.

"Because of when I got sick. I never-" Footsteps cut me off and incomes Spencer's big ass. He flops onto the bed, lying next to me and throwing his legs over mine his feet messing with mine.

When we were kids I used to hate it, now I don't understand how I ever went without it. How I ever went without those little moments me and my big brother shared.

"I never told anyone, even when I knew I needed help. So I'm asking if you were ever mad I did what I did to myself even after all the times you made me feel better after mom threw a comment at me." He nods, kissing my hair and wrapping his arms around me and Ray, his arm not quite reaching Spencer.

"Of course I was. I was mad my Gracie didn't see how great she is. I also knew I couldn't change what was happening and all I could do was pray you'd get better." I nod, hugging him tighter.

"Daddy, I think I don't want to be here anymore," I tell him. "I mean, I don't want to like... die. I just want out, you know?"

"The second I got home, everything felt so wrong. Even with Spencer and Mrs. Winters here. I know I have support from you guys but... ultimately? I need support from myself."

He nods. "I get that."

"And I feel like I need to be somewhere else. Somewhere where I can figure out who the hell I didn't let myself be. The whole problem in the first place was feeling trapped and I put myself back here and the walls are closing in again." I cry, nodding. "And this time, I know better than to let them."

"I don't think I just had or... have an eating disorder, Dad. I think I've just been in this ocean of depression for so long that the wave of my eating disorder just knocked me off my surfboard." I chuckle.

I never really thought I'd find myself talking to my dad like this, we may be close but I'm not the kind of person that'll share stuff with you just because we're besties.

"And now I'm just stuck in these Weighted Waters trying to figure out how to swim the rest of the way back to shore. Because the dolphins already helped me find my board, the fish already pointed me in the right direction. All that's left is for me to find another wave to ride back to reality."

He sniffles. "I think you're right." He agrees after a moment. "You need time."

"I fucking hate you, men don't cry," Spencer speaks up, wiping his nose with my sleeve.

I laugh petting his hair. "There, there, Spence."

"I'm sorry we weren't there for you, Grace. I was one of the few that first knew and I did nothing. I thought you'd work through it, just like you always do." Ray sobs out, leaning over my dad and hugging me.

"So how would you feel going back to Florida with Aslan and my sister?" Dad asks.

I smile. "I'd like that," I admit. "And uhm, thank you. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without you guys."

I pull my family into a hug, Spencer mumbling into my shoulder, "Starve yourself to death."

Choking out a laugh, I smack him upside the head, pointing a finger at him. "Too soon, wayyyy too soon."

Maybe I want to do this to better myself like that girl. Maybe I just want an escape. Maybe I want to live. I don't know yet. I may never know, but honestly, I just want to live. I just want to fucking live for once in my goddamn life.

I don't want to worry about my mom on my ass or coming back to check on my dad and siblings. I don't want to worry about Sam and his comments. He stopped saying but my head didn't stop hearing them. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's his fault.

He started all of this. He threw another match into the forest during another wildfire he'd caused. And here I was, worried he'd get burned when he was the one who started the fire in the first.

Altogether, I want to stop thinking about how much he hurt me. Even when we declared a truce, it was all in the back of my head waiting to pounce on my heart when I was having a bad day.

So, here I go, world. I'm going to live, I'm going to love myself, I'm going to help myself. I'm going to learn that I can't stop the waves, but I can learn to doggy paddle away from the weighted waters a bit better because I'm Grace. And quite frankly, I'm not my ED, so it's time to stop acting like I am.