No Longer Euphoria | Nate Jacobs

Part 22

*WARNING: drug use, sexual themes, suicidal themes and adult content*

The time before 5pm goes slowly. Whilst getting dressed, I've made sure to cover the Nate sized bruises on my neck. I don't want to feel controlled by Nate anymore, sneaking around and lying to people I care about. If Nate was really a good person, he'd leave me alone and suppressed the feelings he felt toward me out of respect for Maddy and McKay. I pace the room as I consider how I'm going to bring this up to McKay, explain everything that happened with Nate and I. You know, the fact I actually had sex with him. I don't know what got into me. I've cheated on a beautiful, lovely man. A man that has done nothing but love me and look after me. I mean he almost ended things for good over an old video, I don't know what makes me think he'll forgive me for this. I get a text from McKay saying he's here, and I make my way downstairs and toward his car. His beautiful white teeth smile at me as I open the car door and buckle myself in. I manage to at least grin a bit. "Okay so what do you need to tell me Cass" he says. "Is it okay if we go somewhere and park?" I say. "Yeah sure" he replies as he drives us to a random parking lot. We pull up, the radio is turned off and everything goes silent. "What's wrong Cass" he says a tad more worried. "Okay" I take a deep breath. "There's something you need to know about Nate and I" I say. "Okay, go on" he replies. "So, from the day I started here, Nate has always been really strange around me. Recently he expressed that he has feelings for me and he approached me a few times and kissed me. Last night at the carnival, he made a move and we had a sex. I didn't say no" I say and wince before I look up at him. It sounds worse when I say it out loud. He's silent, his face is blank and his eyes are like glass. "McKay I'm sorry, I love you and I don't want to be around Nate I really am sorry" I say. "Mmm" he says. "What? Mmm? What does that mean" I say slightly annoyed. "Well you know what that means right?" He says. "What? What does it mean?" I say. "It means that we need to tell Maddy, and then I need to fuck him up for making a move on you like that" he says. What is going on. Has he completely glazed over the fact that I literally didn't say no? "McKay -" he cuts me off. "No Cassie, he's my best friend, I expect better from him" he says. I decide to stay silent. "Right so let's go over to Maddy's, pick her up and go get Nate. We won't say anything about this until we all sit down together? Okay? Cool." He says in a weird tone. He seems to be having a mental breakdown almost. "Ok" I say in a hushed tone. I don't know what is going on but it feels like one little push over the edge will make him blow up at me.

The ride is more silent than silent could ever have possibly been. We rock up at Maddy's and she hops in, smiles... and asks us where we're going. I don't have the heart to speak, I don't want to think about what's about to happen. I hear McKay answer but I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I just get onto my phone and mindlessly scroll through Facebook. Soon after, Nate hops in. McKay seems way too normal right now, I'm really beginning to feel panic surge through my body. Everyone seems happy, I believe McKay is driving us all to the cute diner that's in town. I make eye contact with Nate in the side mirror, and he widens his eyes as if to say 'what is going on?'. I can't help but let a tear fall from my face, and his expression goes blank and his face goes pale. He knows exactly what is going on. I feel my phone buzz in my hand, it's Nate.

Nate: Cassie what does he know, what is going on?!
Me: Nate he knows everything. He's so mad but he's in such a weird mood. I think he's about to lose it. He wanted Maddy to know. Honestly you need to get Maddy out of here and get him alone.
Nate: I'll deal with this. Cassie, I love you.

NATE. Jesus Christ man read the room. This is not the time to be expressing your love for me. Especially not when the last time you saw me, you were demeaning and hurting me. I look up into the mirror and stare into his eyes. Depending on how tonight goes, I could lose Maddy and McKay. Nate would be all I have left. Would it really be so bad? Maybe I could change him? I could make him see that there are better way to express himself other than violence. I'm stuck between two men. One that needs my help and another that doesn't and can love me freely without dark emotions spoiling it. The problem isn't who to pick, because I know who I SHOULD pick... it's who I can't bear not picking. It's knowing that I'll never feel as fulfilled by picking the 'easy' option. I don't know why I never want to be treated right, I don't know why I like to pick people that need to be helped rather than people with healthy mindsets and behaviours. I always have done this. It was in this moment of thought that I decided that I would fight for Nate, but not in the way you would think.