disappointed

chp 1

kind of a rewrite of https://archiveofourown.org/works/25242328/chapters/61189717

it was 2am as I wrote this but I kinda like how it came out? it's a little short but this is just the first chapter

the timeline is sort of ambiguous it could be the most recent episode it could not be

who's to say

certainly not me

It was a chilly night in the jungle, other than the natural noises like parrots and the rustling of leaves in the wind it was fairly quiet as well. Though it wasn't surprising since it was well past a normal time, even for the insomniac overworking hermits it was pretty late.

Most hermits were asleep, except for him. Grian was sitting against his wall slightly out of it. His breathing was ragged and his heart rate was way too fast. He could feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming on yet couldn't do anything to stop it.

His mental health had taken a hit recently that he doesn't think he'd recover from. He's barely been sleeping, rarely leaves his base and hasn't talked to a single hermit in what was probably a week.

Not like the other hermits didn't try contacting him. They definitely did, he just ignored them. He was staying in his hobbit hole and so far the other hermits hadn't checked for him there, only messaging his communicator.

He didn't mean to worry them but he just didn't have the energy to even type out a message saying he was okay. It would be a lie, anyway.

His mental health hadn't been this bad since the start of season six. Joining hermitcraft and having all the hermits as a support system helped him slowly recover from self harm and his mental health issues.

He definitely still dealt with depression and ptsd but it was manageable with his friends and partners. He doesn't know what happened to suddenly reverse all of his progress, maybe it was just bad luck.

He was still sitting on the floor with his knees pulled tightly to his chest and his wings wrapped protectively around himself when his panic slowly started to edge away, for now. His panic attacks had been getting more frequent, probably a mixture of his poor mental health and lack of sleep.

As he became more aware of his surroundings he suddenly stood up. His mental health taking a hit this bad didn't just mean panic attacks and worsened insomnia, it also meant a relapse.

He had somehow managed to stay clean this whole hellish week but he just couldn't anymore, here goes two years.

He slowly made his way towards the bathroom, walking in, locking the door behind him and turning on the light. It's then he realized he'd have to break open one of his razors for a blade.

He threw all of his away a year and a half ago with the help of his partners, iskall and mumbo. They were going to be so disappointed in him, not like he cared at the moment. He didn't really want to think about his partners right now anyway, all it managed to do was fill him with loneliness and guilt.

He finally broke apart his disposable razor after a few shaky attempts and took the blades out of it. They were sharp, he could draw blood by just touching it to his skin. He stared at the blade for only a second longer before starting on his left arm.

With every cut came more desperation and aggression. After what felt like only a few minutes but was probably more like thirty both of his arms were covered in deep angry gashes and dripping blood.

He set the blade down on his counter and turned the sink on, running his arms under the water. He definitely felt better, he forgot the amount of relief that came after cutting it was like he could finally breathe after being submerged underwater for too long.

He wrapped his mangled arms up with bandages and gingerly pulled down his sweater sleeves. He was then reminded of his partners, he suddenly felt guilty. After everything the two architechs did to help him and the love they gave him he went and did this.

Grian knew they were going to be upset and that just made him feel more guilty, almost enough for him to pick the blade back up and go for another round, almost.

He just resolved he wouldn't let them find out, he couldn't.

He sighed as he dragged his tired body to his bed and laid down, closing his eyes but not falling asleep.