Punk Rock // m.clifford

0.8// michael was leaving

Days passed and the time for Michael to leave came closer and closer, and every time I looked at a calendar or a date of some sort, I would have to bring myself back to this sick reality. Instead of spending Michael's last days with him, I stayed in bed all day. Not because I wanted to. Physically and mentally, I didn't have the energy to face the world. And all I could bring myself to do was look up and watch the time tick by.

People tried to get me to eat, but I would just wrap it on a napkin and stuffed it in a drawer.

People brought my pills to my room and increased the dosage, those pills remained in a ziplock bag under the sink. People talked to me, I remained quiet.

The night before Michael was leaving, an energy ran through me. It was like every step I didn't take these past days, surged through me and all I could do was pace around my room in circles. Thoughts ran through my head, some good, most bad.

Then, before I knew it there were complaints about me being too loud that had been brought to the main office. They wouldn't believe any of the patients because I had been totally inactive for the past days. However, when Michael, himself, spoke of his concern for my sanity, the nurses knew something was wrong.

What I never quite understood, though, was the fact that his room was nowhere near mine, nevertheless under mine, so how did he know that I had been at a time of distress? My hypothesis: a gut feeling. The same gut feeling he got when he first saw me in this hell-hole.

Frankly, I have no idea whether Michael knows that I was the girl he was with that one night where he was drunk out of his mind. But to me, that night was different, to say the least. I don't know how to explain it. The only word I can think of is "different ".

In a flash, I had been brought back to reality, and I didn't like it at all. Quickly, I sprinted and locked my door, then shoved my dresser against it.there was no way in hell that they were going to get in here. Not tonight.

In the bathroom, I fell to my knees. I began to think of what would happen to my life after Michael left. At first I thought that maybe it would be like last summer, where I helped out and was active around the hospital. But then, i realized how boring I really was before Michael came along. Perhaps that's why I became depressed, because my mind had nothing better to do.

Michael is leaving me. That is all that ran through my head. Once again, the one that I feel so right with is slipping away from my fingertips like sand penetrating through your fingers as it glides through.

Maybe I have done too much about Michael. Maybe I'm just obsessing over something that clearly is only fictitious. The only logical step to take next would be to leave him be. To walk away.

It's not like I'm giving up on everything I've seen. I must just draw the line between determination and desperation. I must. I must. It's the only way.

But how do you walk away from such a person. Such a wonderful jerk, the most un-selfish asshole I've ever met. And even better, the most savior-like individual I've seen with my own two eyes.

I never believed in a God. I only believe in what I can see and what I can feel. I cannot comprehend the way people are willing to put a blindfold on and randomly select something to believe in. There's too many risks. Too many unstable variables.

But when I saw Michael, there was something there. Magic? Love? God? I have no clue. But it was the feeling you get when you laugh too hard and all the air is knocked out of your lungs. It's like when you don't understand a math problem, so you just stare at it until it makes sense, but in reality, you just zone out.

I still don't believe in a God. But I have this feeling in my gut that tells me that's how you're supposed to feel when you see the omnipotent being that made you and the stars and the universe.

I believe in saviors, however. I believe that there is one person that comes into your life and allows you to access you never thought of before. And as I sat in this bathroom floor I thought about God and I thought about this savior. And how now would be a good time for both of them to show up.

--/---

guyss

as you may have heard

don't is being translated into french!

and the prologue is coming out

im very excited for this

veryy

thanks to Muke-Clemmings for all the effort shes putting in

also shes the reason im taking french (so i can read my own book in french)

so yeahh

super excited!

ily all

xoxo gossip girl