Void of Vibrancy

Fundamental

I've hit rock bottom, yet again. It's like I'm surrounded by forever expanding rock formations with increasing intensity. Trying to find a way out is using up the last of my dwindling strength.

I put myself under the impression that I had become physically incapable of being a bad person. I don't mean saying bad things, or making dark jokes, that's who I am and doesn't make me an inherently bad person. What I mean is that I was certain that I would never be able to cause anybody emotional harm or distress ever again. Alas, I couldn't have been further from honest with myself.

I have come to realise that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how deep in denial I may be, I always seem to self destruct when all I'm trying to do is help.

I write these words, hoping they bring me some solace, yet I only seem to find guilt and sorrow. The things and people I used to turn to have become nothing more than just that, things and people.

My ability to feel empathy has suddenly switched off, it's as if my emotions are electricity, and a power cut has occurred. I guess its the way my brain copes. After all; you can't get hurt if you can't feel.

Anybody I'm close to knows that I can't seem to bring myself to talk about my problems, but for you, I did. I forced myself to open up and talk, even though I KNEW it wasn't what you needed. However, you wanted to help, so you asked anyway.

I told you that I felt responsible for everything you are enduring. I told you that I had convinced myself you wanted to leave. All of this just making the whole situation worse.

I am void of vibrancy. The stunning array of colours I used to emit with my optimism and joy has been replaced with an insatiable need to shut down and destroy everything I've built for myself. All I give off now is seething hatred and unfounded accusations.

My insecurity has taken over, like a fungus, creeping its way into every corner of my once fortress-like, ironclad spirit, tearing it down from the inside-out, leaving nothing but a neutral, unfeeling husk of the man I'd strived so hard to become.

For once in my life, I felt safe, secure, and content. The dreams I'd had for months finally came true, and when you needed me the most, I shut myself off. I ignored your problems and only proceeded to enhance them.

You need space, you need time, you want to work this out by yourself. But I'll let you in on a little secret.

I figured it out.

After all of these years, I put the pieces together and completed the puzzle.

It is ME that causes these issues.

Think back to 3 months ago. How simple it was. How beautiful.

I swoop in, and boom, things start falling apart.

I am the one to blame, I'm like a black cat or smashing a mirror. Everything I touch slowly dies and decays and there is nothing on this Earth that I can do to stop it.

I've accepted it now. You're better off without me. Everybody would be better off without me. All I bring is trauma and pain.

I can't even step up and be a father, the fundamental reason that we exist as the human race is to reproduce and take care of our young, and I'm so ridiculously self centred that I can't even be bothered to do that.

You made the difficult choice, I've always envied your ability to do that. I'm glad you saw the light of my flaws and made the correct decision. You'll move on and be happy and content and as much as that fucking hurts, it's also a comfort.

I am in pain, a lot of pain. So much has happened and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it all. I will hit the reset button on myself and start from the ground up.

I'm sorry. I never wanted any of this. You have become the entirety of my existence and I'm sorry I've brought you to this point. You deserve happiness and I'm too fucked up to be that for you.

But thank you. Thank you for being the reason I saw colour again. Thank you for being the sunshine and brightening my days. Thank you for being a chest to bury my head into.

But most of all, thank you for trying.

You are a watercolour painting, perfect and serene. Find yourself.