Void of Vibrancy

Thy Kingdom Come

"You are the petals on my flower. You are the fluffy white clouds in my sky. You are the lock to my key."

- Clandestine Love, Part 2

Taken from the most unexpected but satisfying piece I've written in years, it wholely encompasses the way I feel about you. The only difference is that, now, the 'are's have become 'were's, and it is entirely out of my control. It's over. It's done. I got the closure that I needed, and I now understand what is going on inside of your mind.

Where do I even begin? How can I possibly begin to comprehend these feelings I have for you, when they are consistently in the pit of my stomach?

"The thing with love is that it is entirely ambiguous. It can come and go in a heartbeat, it can bend and break the strongest person, but it can also lift you to a state beyond human comprehension. It can turn a simple mortal human into something more, capable of feats of empathy that boggle the mind."

- Clandestine Love, Part 1

That's the problem. It DID lift me to that point. It reshaped me into someone that was hell bent on happiness no matter the cost. So where do I go from here?

Truth be told, the reason for my uncanny obsession stretches back to a time beyond what I allow myself to remember. The failures of the past have always guided my hand in new ventures, and that's what is happening right here.

Look, the short answer (the one that perfectly fits this situation) is that it's done now. The feelings were felt, are still felt, aren't felt anymore, it doesn't matter. It's done and no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I mention how much I miss you, I physically cannot change that.

But I am suffering. I am cooped up in this fairytale land of hazy memories, it's like a swamp that is damp with the residual emotions that I should let go. But I can't. I can't let it go.

No matter what I do, they linger like a swarm of hover flies, slowly biting at this hole in my chest, making my heart do somersaults and my stomach gurgle. Their venom is the thought of your toothy grin, their teeth are the fact that I will never see it in the same context again.

Love is ambiguous. It came and it went faster than I could keep up with, but now I'm left with those pieces of my shattered optimism, and I have to try and fight off my inner demons using the shards.

I don't know anymore, I don't know what to believe. So many lies have been told, half-truths doused in thick black tar, that I no longer know what the truth even is.

What I do know, is that what we had, it happened. It existed against all odds. I have no other choice but to be content with that outcome.

My mind is a minefield, my body is anxious. The thoughts of you and the intimacy we shared will forever muster a dark black cloud over my head. I will chant "Thy kingdom come" inside of myself until the day that prayer is answered.