Layla

January 28, 2019

Washington D.C
10:16 AM EST

So today is going to be... eventful to say the least. Things have been pretty chaotic in D.C. recently. Just listening to the news, and reporting on what's going on really makes me feel like the threat of a nuclear war is right around the corner. In fact, I'm going in to speak with the President on this issue today. We're having a one on one interview. I think that this is what's going to get my career under way. If I could just get to ask her some questions that no one else had, then maybe I can get the answers that people have been looking for. Everyone is always complaining about never getting answers, but they just haven't asked the right questions. I have to be careful though, because if I get too... I don't know. I guess if I get too close to asking confidential questions, then the interview will never air, and I'm gonna be stuck interrogating senators about what's going on in Washington. Well, I guess I need to get to work, and get ready. This is going to be put on air after all.

Layla Riordan

[Transcript from the interview]

[Layla] : So Madam President, the country is in peril right now. People are terrified, they feel like there's an ever looming threat of nuclear warfare. What are your thoughts on this matter? What would we prioritize in a time such as that?

[Tolle] : Well of course my first priority is the safety of the citizens of the United States. So I personally guarantee that there will be no nuclear weapons or warfare in this country.

[Layla] : Now, what are your plans for handling the growing numbers of riots and hate crimes as they break out across America?

[Tolle] : Well, I control the country not the People in it. [laughter] I'm kidding. Well at the moment I would say that we need to make sure local law enforcement officers have the proper tools and resources to handle this situation.

[Layla] : What do you mean when you say tools? Are we talking about weapons such as rubber bullets or tear gas?

[Tolle] : Well whatever gets the job done.

[Layla] : Do you believe that there is a war, of any type, in the foreseeable future?

[Tolle] : Of course, as long as I am in office, there will be no wars. Everyone loves me, why would they want to upset me by starting a war? But I uh, I can't speak for the possible next president. Unless it's me. Then no.

[Layla] : What are your views on members of the LGBTQ+ community? I ask this only because recently it was revealed that your Vice President has donated money toward Conversion Camps, which are, for those who don't know, places parents or guardians send their gay or lesbian kids to "make them straight again".

[Tolle] : Well I believe they're just like you or me. They vote, we vote, you know the drill.

[Layla] : Yes, I understand, but if I may ask, do you believe that the worth of a human life is decreased because they are interested in a person of the same sex?

[Tolle] : Well, if-

[Layla] : It's a simple yes or no question Madam. President, I would appreciate it if you answered as so.

[Tolle] : Well no. No, I-

[Layla] : In last terror attacks on the U.S., we have included hate crimes on this list as well, there is a considerably less amount of Muslim and Islamic people than White people who are committing these crimes. Why, is America, including yourself, blaming only Muslim people?

[Tolle] : I do not believe that we have been blaming only Muslim people. The blame is equally spread out. All of these hate crimes are a disgrace to this country, and they're a disgrace to the people in this wonderful country.

[Layla] : There have been controversies surrounding the election three years ago. People believe that there was interference from Russian leader Samuil Zamolodchikova, who is widely known as one of your good friends. What are our thoughts on this?

[Tolle] : They couldn't be more incorrect. Yes, me and Sam are very good friends, very good indeed, but he would never interfere with the progress my campaign made back in 2016.

[Layla] : [REDACTED STATEMENT]
[Tolle] : [REDACTED STATEMENT]

[Layla] : [REDACTED STATEMENT]

[Tolle] : [REDACTED STATEMENT]

[Layla] : Alright, thank you very much President Tolle.