untitled: a poetry mixtape

17. what to do?

Sometimes, I wonder what exactly I want to do
I'm not sure who I really am sometimes
What do I really feel?
Do I care?
Whenever I see you,
my heart pounds
For when I see you hurting,
What should I do?
Do I tell you that it's going to be fine?
Do I tell you that I'll be here?
What should do I do?
My heart says one thing but I close my eyes,
hoping that you wouldn't notice.
I put up a facade to pray that you won't know who I am
bur I admit it, friend,
I'm lonely.

Every time I open my eyes, I think again:
Do I really want company?
When I am by myself,
I can feel my thoughts racing
I can feel my heart palpitating in my chest.
Telling myself that maybe I don't know myself.
You said I know you very well,
yet my own hands feel foreign to me.
I hold my hands tightly,
to the point it nearly tears apart
I wonder why things have become like this
Why I can't ever feel content with myself
Sometimes I hate myself, the me who stares into the mirror
With teary eyes
With a gaunt face
Dark circles
And eyes that sparkle with hopelessness.
Yet all you see is
a perfect perfect smile,
asking me "What is there to be sad of?"

I think of you sometimes.
I turn on my phone
and recall our distant memories.
I wonder how you are doing.
I regret how stupid I was then,
I should have never showed you who I really was back then,
For I was broken, tearing apart
Yet you abandoned me
And I left you, for fear
For myself
Still, I don't think I'm any better than I was three years ago.

Smart? Smart?
I feel stupid.
If I could, who cares about the knowledge in my brain?
Geography? Economics?
Who cares if I do well for those when I don't even understand myself?
What do I even want to do?
What do I even want from myself?
Still, every day I can only put up a facade,
crying inside and hoping no one notices.
What's the point of living
when in the end I live
because I can't die?
I'm simply waiting for my death bed to come
For everyone is running
and I'm simply stuck here.
I have no idea what I want to do,
Dream dream dream
Will my dream come to me?

To you, I hope one day we can run
To you, I hope one day we can dream
To you, I hope one day we can fly
with our hands outstretched,
We run towards the sunset
We can finally dream again.

I pray everything is a mirage, a damn mirage
I can