To Feel Alive (NANOWRIMO)

Chapter Thirty Four

The next day I went back to my house with Cody but found Mum wasn’t there. Her stuff was, all over the floor, and I didn’t dare touch any of it, leaving clothes and makeup abandoned, falling out of a half-opened suitcase. I called Charlie up and explained everything that had happened and he said it sounded rough but here was there if I needed him, though he wasn’t really. I mean, sure, I could call him up and at best Skype chat him, but he couldn’t hold me and soothe me by his touch, and make me feel secure and protected. I didn’t like to admit it to myself but only Cody was capable of that now.

I was back at school the following day where Maisie came rushing up to me, throwing her arms around my back and squeezing tight saying how awful it all was. She did like to dramatize things  but I did at least appreciate the sympathy, though I still hadn’t seen Mum again, and a small part of me was worried as to where she’d gone without her phone or purse – I’d briefly rummaged through her bag, but only briefly, just to see if she’d taken the essentials away.

I went back to Cody’s, however, after school, and while we were watching TV Charlie called me up for chat and it was then I had to explain who he was. “He’s sort of my boyfriend,” I said, biting my lip and staring at the buzzing phone, anxious to answer it.

“Sort of?” Cody asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, we kissed and stuff, but it was the holidays and all romantic and it was only a week or so and nothing is definite,” I rambled, eyes jutting all over the place as I tried to avoid Cody’s stern face.

“Do you love him?” he asked slowly.

“What’s love got to do with it?” I said, frowning.

“Answer the question,” he said, staring me straight in the eyes, hooking mine to his so I couldn’t look away.

“No,” I said after little thought, because I didn’t. Love took time, and me and Charlie hadn’t had that yet. Cody’s face immediately softened.

“Call him back,” he said, gesturing to the phone with his head and turning back to the television, half-smiling.

“You’re sure?” He nodded and I took my phone upstairs to sit in the landing and call him. However, throughout the conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about what Cody had said. Did he expect me to fall in love that quickly? Did he want me to say I loved him? Had there been a wrong or right answer to that question?

Cody drove me back to my house later where the lights were on in the lounge. I distinctly remembered turning them off. I also looked in the driveway and saw the sleek car I hadn’t seen for over a month. My parents had been reunited, inside that house, and it was silent within, which left me feeling scared.

“Do you want me to go in with you?” Cody asked as I got out of the car, hands shaking slightly.

“No these are my parents. I shouldn’t be worried to be in the same house as them,” I said, gulping.

“But you are,” Cody said tentatively. I nodded.

“That’s what I need to get over.”

“I’ll wait outside for five minutes. You don’t come out and I’ll leave, okay?” I was facing away from him but I could feel the sincerity in his gaze and swallowed, nodding once more as I made my way up the garden path. All I’d ever wanted when I was a kid was for a normal family, with a Mum and Dad who loved each other, and loved me, and didn’t constantly go  away on trips and leave me with friends or have other partners or wake me in the night because they were fighting. I’d just wanted what everyone else my age had.

I took hold of the door handle. It was open, as expected. At a slight touch it swung open, and I felt like I was entering a horror movie, holding my breath as I turned. Dad was standing facing the wall away from me, arms crossed, head bowed, and Mum was resting on the sofa, head in her hands, quietly sobbing. If I had a normal family, I could presume they were worried as to where I was, but I didn’t, and something was wrong. I could sense it just in the silence that filled the air. Worse than the fact Mum had been away without contact for the past few years. This was so much more than that, though I’d fought little could be more so.